EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

A woman went to an expert and asked for a double entendre, so he gave her “one”.

Lee

Before Computers…

Memory was something you lost with age,
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano,
A web was a spider's home,
A virus was the flu,
A CD was a bank account,
A hard drive was a long trip on the road,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And if you had a 3 inch floppy............you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize, “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.
”Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think it’s my thumb that’s broken!'

Bill Gates vs General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
”If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever, your car will crash........twice a day.
2) Every time they repaint the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally, your car would die on the road for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut down the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation” warning light.
7) The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
8) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9) Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10) You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial, it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room, "and gentlemen, remember - you're in this together - it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"I was just wondering, is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A guy and a girl meet in a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes....how did you figure that out?”
”Easy,” she replied, “You keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, “You must be a very good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I'm a good dentist. But how did you figure that out?”
”Simple”, said the girl, “I didn't feel a thing!”

How To Tell If You Are Married...

Three women - one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three decided to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman said, “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long”.
The mistress said, “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, the mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.”
The married woman said, “I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'”

A Scotsman married a Red Indian squaw.
A year later she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, whom they named...

Hawkeye the noo!

A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It's golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. Twice a day, for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day, the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
”No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous”.