EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Sir Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Manchester.
Two weeks later Manchester United are 4-0 down to Portsmouth with only 20 minutes left. Ferguson gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes, winning the game for United.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
’Sorry? SORRY?!!!' says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place".

Jonathan Ross has been arrested for shop lifting kitchen utensils from ASDA.
So far his only comment has been, "It was a whisk I was willing to take".

A man goes to see the Doctor and says, "Doc, I feel as lifeless as a Welsh resort in winter."
The doctor replies, "Goodness me, it sounds like you're Rhyl."

The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 14 and 28 and 83?'
Little Johnny quickly replied, 'BBC 2, More 4, E4 and Sky Sports News!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up already?'

Little Johnny's at it again!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, miss," replied Johnny, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down & another man comes along & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final, the biggest sporting event of the year & not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got
married."
"Oh...Jeez...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were over, she & Charles retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said, 'Please remove my shoes darling. My feet are killing me.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . but it wouldn’t budge.
'Harder!' yelled Camilla.
'Harder!’ Charles yelled back.
'I'm trying darling, but it's just too bloody tight! Come on, give it all you've got!' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she had to be a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile back in their bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe, and cried out, 'Oh god, darling, this one’s even tighter'.
At which point, Phillip turned and said to the Queen, 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!’

Youtube video of an MRI scene from a Japanese gameshow -

NATE THE SNAKE

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature. He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sagebrush.

As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever. Just as he does, he hears a voice say, "Don't touch that lever."

The driver jumps about two feet off the ground, and as he comes down, he looks around. No one is to be seen. Thinking it was just his imagination, he again reaches for the lever. Again the voice yells, "I said don't touch that lever!"

Being more prepared, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down under a sage brush. There he sees a small snake.

The driver, in much astonishment, said, "Was that you that just spoke?"

The snake said, "Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever. If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world."

The driver, still rather astonished, said, "What is your name? And will you talk on TV?" The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasn't interested in going on TV; anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see that it wasn't moved.

The driver said, "Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews. That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever."

Nate thought that over and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to the idea. The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out. They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world of the dangers of moving the lever.

A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area. He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak. When the driver's truck hit the slick, it went out of control, and he found himself headed straight for the lever. He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever and so he knew that if he hit it, he would cause the world to end. He strove, with all his might to maneuver the truck. Finally, at the last moment, he was able to swerve, but he ran over Nate, the snake, and squashed him flat.

The truck driver was heard to say "Well, better Nate than lever."