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George -- I'm home

George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.
"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

Men are from Mars ....


Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.

The professor told his class one day, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight,one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.

The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

There is to be absolutely no talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
-------------------------------------------

THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle BEAM FLASHED out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it's pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic WHO'S attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no, WHAT AM I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole

(Gary)
B*tch

(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - wh*re.

(TEACHER)
A+ ......... I really liked this one.

Cow's Tail


A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'


'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a Difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls
into a field of cattle.


We went to look for them and while I was looking around I
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'


'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there
was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck
right in the middle of the cow's Ass.


Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks Like Yours!"

'I don't remember much after that'

The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .







"You just happened to catch my eye."

Lee

Why is it that Indian's are not good at football?

Ans: "Because every time they get corner they open up a shop!"

The priest in a small Irish village loved his rooster

and ten hens...



He kept them in the hen house behind the church.



One Sunday morning, before Mass,

he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.


He knew about cock fights in the village,

so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During Mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'


All the men stood up.



'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.



'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'


Half the women stood up.


'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.



Has anybody seen MY cock?'


Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

Students at a local college were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.


One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - £19.99
Clinton :.....Cost - £19.99

Titanic:.....Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.....The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :.....The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :.....Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :....Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined..
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.....Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton :.....Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:......Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :.....Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold ..... and I'm not reheating it." And on-and-on-and-on ...........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this all too familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub ..... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs..

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution, after all.. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

Try this one if you have a bit of time on your hands or have nothing better to do......
http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to makeyou your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is al so at the table,eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused,he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b * tch, I'm married!!'


Broken coffee Table $239.99

Hot breakfast $4.20

Two aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS