EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is Boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because Lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because Lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.

Lee

I hear the Koreans are very interested now that the Government has said that all dogs must now come with chips.

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME?

50 I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."

So I went - and I got it.

49 A seal walks into a club...

48 Went to the corner shop - bought four corners.

47 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

46 I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

45 I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

44 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

43 You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.

42 I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.

41 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

40 I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

39 My phone will ring at 2am and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I say, "I don't know. If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone."

38 A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

37 I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.

36 I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

35 I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

34 A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

33 I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

32 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."

31 I'm in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said: "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."

30 I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite - one jar.

29 I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are you two an item?"

28 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

27 Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

26 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

25 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"

24 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

23 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

22 Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

21 A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

20 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.

19 I rang up BT. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."

18 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

17 When Susan's boyfriend proposed, she said: "I love the simple things in life but I don't want one of them for my husband."

16 I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any.

15 Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"

14 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

13 I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

12 My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

11 Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.

10 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

9 I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

8 "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.

7 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

5 A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

4 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

2 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Lee

I bought my wife a memory stick recently and it has changed her life.



She has not forgotten to bring me a beer once since the first beating.

Church Ladies With Typewriters


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! . These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The vicar would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The Sixth Form will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

Lee

Yes, there are some good ones there.

You see many such "howlers" (or should that be "gems"?) in local newspapers, parish (and school) magazines, and so forth.

I am reminded of our cherished English (yes, I don't mean "British") ability to laugh at ourselves; make fun of ourselves, in fact. It's a trait that some of the "New British" might do well to adopt - rather than being (or perhaps pretending to be) "offended" by almost everything that comes along.

Irony is another one that we're generally good at (even though, as I can personally attest from my days "out there", it often causes total bemusement - or worse - amongst folk from other parts of the world). The "comments" sections on internet news sites are often worth a glance (I usually skip the "articles" themselves).

For instance, here's one that I noticed earlier today (as a comment on the latest "unpleasantness" in the Middle East [actually North Africa]):-

"Send for Teflon; he can sort owt out"!

I wonder how many people can (could) decode that? But it certainly raised a chuckle from me.

The Dalay Lama to the hot dog vendor:
- Make me one with everything.

Hello

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Hello

Please do not read this joke if easily offended.


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it -
let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners will find its best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years.

Hello

Please do not read this joke if easily offended.

20 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas


1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

and finally-

21. I do like a good stuffing.