EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

At the pharmacy, a man asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman at the counter


said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the store,
so there were no male employees. She asked how she could help.


The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist. She reminded him that she was completely professional, and he could speak
with her.

This is tough for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was
wondering what you could give me for it."


"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, "I'll go talk to my sister." She returned a few
minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length. The absolute best we can do is,
1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car and £3,000 a month living expenses."

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "You *******, I thought you were going to look after me."

"I would have done!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*ckin' menthol!".

New version of an old joke.

A telling tale…

The senior staff of Marks & Spencer challenged the senior staff of the NHS to an annual canoe race to the held on the river Thames in support of Comic Relief. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance before the first race.

On the big day, the Marks & Spencer team won by a mile.

Patricia Hewitt was discouraged and depressed about the crushing defeat. She appointed a team of senior managers to investigate and to recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Marks & Spencer team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whilst the NHS team had eight people steering and one person rowing. Patricia did not like the report, so she hired a private management consultancy company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

The consultants opined that too many people were indeed steering the boat, whilst not enough people were rowing and that, in order to prevent another defeat, the NHS rowing team's management structure should be reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents and one assistant superintendent steering manager. They also recommended a new performance system, involving pre-determined targets that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work hard. The performance system was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" and the rower was required to attend twice weekly meetings throughout the year at which he ate bourbon biscuits, was given free pens and listened to presentations from consultant rowing specialists who, thought they had never rowed themselves, were very knowledgeable. There was much discussion about new paddles, canoes and other equipment which were all on order but had not yet arrived.

The next year Marks & Spencer won by two miles.

Humiliated, Patricia Hewitt laid off the rower for poor performance, halted the development of new canoes, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investment for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as redundancy payments and the following year the rowers were replaced by a team of "rowing specialists" who were cheaper and, though they had never been in a canoe before, "knew a lot about it."

Lee

Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, 'Gordon, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Brown.

'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap - oh, and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, Eashing, or one of those villages, and we'll show we really enjoy life in the countryside.'

'Right PM' said Brown.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood' said Blair.

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink, the dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzly old shepherd, complete with crook.

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders, and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook; he walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?'


'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone told them that there's a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.

Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Paddy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Paddy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Paddy looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..." "...I've quit drinking!"

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Lee

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

Lee

Subject: too good to be true

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 Models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.


He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Lee

Subject: The meaning of life!


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day bythe door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walk past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten"? So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you atwenty-year life span.

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dogdid"?

And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty"?

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay."

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Lee

Fruit Polos

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"


Lee