EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

oh fudge! :oP

OK, I'm back! I would have resumed normal service yesterday, but I was busy designing a "Divide-by-569" counter using a 22V10 (DON'T ASK - for Crissake!)

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the marriage broker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. Who said anything about them being mine!"

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to out-do each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new BMW," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen pigeons can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in Doncaster for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a BMW. He bought me a Skoda."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Pigeon number thirteen has to flap its wings a bit!"

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Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you find birds."
Frannie shook her head. “No, I mean aviaries.”
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection. After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there."

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The driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and as good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

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A Doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. “What can I do for you today?” the Doctor asked?
The aged Gentleman replied, “Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath....Doctor I’m scared!!!”
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said “Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?”
His response was, “Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!”

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In the beginning God created Eve. And he originally created her with 3 breasts. After a month in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How's things, Eve?" he asked.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells; the sights; everything is wonderful, but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I’m constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, throwing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" he asked.
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so lonely."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're absolutely right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ... where did I put that useless tit?"

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A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea.
"Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

...And because I was unacceptably busy yesterday, you can have a double dose (of jokes that is!)

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Bible scholar," he replies.
"A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Do not worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The remainder of the conversation carried on like this, with the young idealist insisting that “God will provide” to all the fathers questions.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
“Well,” said the father, "the bad news is that he has no job and no plans. The good news is he thinks I'm God."

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Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said the first one.
"Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?" asked the second.
"Just watch," he said, and climbed up onto a rafter.
After a short while, the foreman spotted him. He shouted “What the hell are you doing up there?”
The first man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
After a short, thoughtful, pause, the foreman said, "I think you need some time off", whereupon the first man walked out of the factory.
After a moment, the second man followed him. "Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.

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A couple have a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman “Tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring”.
"Yeah, right," she said, with more than a hint of disbelief. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet, grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home, drunk from being out with his mates. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks “Maybe the ribbon will work on him”. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up, badly hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon wrapped around his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but we got first and second place."

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You’ve gotta Love Drunk People!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not,” he replied, with more than a hint of exasperation in his voice. “It’s three in the morning and it’s pouring with rain!"
"Well, you’ve got a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of your self. Go out and help him!"
For the sake of a quiet life, the man does as he’s told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," came back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

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A blonde went into an Internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost £30, she exclaimed: "I haven't got any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything", the blonde promised.
"Well, then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door", the man said.
She did.
"Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go on.... take it out...."
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer... and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said... "Hello... Mum...can you hear me?"

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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

Naitch - please check your pms.

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

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Little Mary was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said Mary, "...and they screw you every time!"

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This bloke was found dead on O'Connell Street in Dublin last Saturday. When he was brought to the city morgue, his personal belongings were checked. After opening his wallet, the gardai found pictures of Mother Teresa, Princess Diana and Joan of Arc.
Turns out he was a heroine addict...

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A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so badly. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55-MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the trousers. At 65 it was her underwear and at 70 it was everything. Now, seeing her without clothes for the first time, and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but, alas, he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help," he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a crying woman without clothes on the side of the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

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A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the guy, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Romford, Essex. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the hell's goin' on up here? We're havin' a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

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Two Sailors boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Sailors. The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Sailor in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the Sailors picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Sailor said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Sailor picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*ssing in cokes?"

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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

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A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh God, this is so bad, it's brilliant)........................A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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And finally (you'll be glad to hear)... there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Naitch

Absolutely on the button with that last one (ouch!!).
Have you not got much work on in Edinburgh then?

By the way Naitch, I've heard of a Mellotron M400 but not an M4000? What's the difference?
I would have thought that they are as rare as hen's teeth nowadays.

Kwakker - please see your Private Message box, re Mellotron.

Yes, I've got plenty of work, but it's as dull as dishwater. HOWEVER....I copy and paste the jokes from a 171 (YES - 171) page Word Document, which I prepared some 4.5 years ago. So, it doesn't take long to give you your daily dose!

Naitch, a.k.a. Entch, cos my initials are NH. Geddit?

A charity panto in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals, descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's behind you"