OK, I'm back! I would have resumed normal service yesterday, but I was busy designing a "Divide-by-569" counter using a 22V10 (DON'T ASK - for Crissake!)
A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the marriage broker. "Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. Who said anything about them being mine!"
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to out-do each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new BMW," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen pigeons can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in Doncaster for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a BMW. He bought me a Skoda." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Pigeon number thirteen has to flap its wings a bit!"
Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries. The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you find birds." Frannie shook her head. “No, I mean aviaries.” Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection. After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there."
The driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and as good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
A Doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. “What can I do for you today?” the Doctor asked? The aged Gentleman replied, “Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath....Doctor I’m scared!!!” The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said “Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?” His response was, “Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!”
In the beginning God created Eve. And he originally created her with 3 breasts. After a month in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How's things, Eve?" he asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells; the sights; everything is wonderful, but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I’m constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, throwing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" he asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so lonely." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're absolutely right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ... where did I put that useless tit?"
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
