EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

These have been also been said by cricket commentators.

Brian Johnson
"Horton has a funny stance, it looks liking he's sh*tting on a sooting stick."
(referring to Neil Harvey) "standing in the slips with his legs apart waiting for a tickle."

Richie Benaud
"He's usually a good puller, but that time he didn't get it up"
"Australia need to score more runs and take more wickets if they want to win."
He also said that Mark Waugh was a "compulsive hooker"

Richard Hadlee and Richie Benaud were commentating together. Michael Atherton was hit in the box and Hadlee said 'That ball bounced'. Benaud replied with 'Which One?'

John Arlott
"Greg Chappell at first slip wearing the long sleeved jumper, wide brim hat and long sleeved t-shirt, Ian Chappell at second slip wearing a short sleeved jumper and wide brim hat and Redpath at 3rd slip wearing no jumper at all................sort of like a progressive strip tease!"

Tony Greig
"For every winner, there has to be a looser in these games."
"In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one."

The camera is showing a guy with an Australian tattoo above his nipple.
"I've gotta get me one of those" - Tony Greig
"You do, 2 in fact" - Richie Benaud

Ian Smith
"Ohh can you believe it they've run themselves out again- this is double suicide" then Richie Benaud interupts "Ahh Ian, thats the replay"

Ian Chappell
"Fast bowlers are quick, even at the end of the day. Just watch this - admittedly it's in slow motion."

Robert

This wealthy bloke decides to go on an African safari. He takes his faithful pet dog Woofy along for company. One day Woofy starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he's lost. So, wandering about he notices this big leopard heading rapidly in his direction - with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks: "Jaysus, I'm in deep sh#t now." (Did we mention that he was an Irish setter?) Anyway, then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, Woofy exclaims, in a very loud voice: "Well, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Phew," says the leopard. "That was mighty close. That dog nearly had me for dinner."
Meanwhile a cheeky monkey has seen the whole episode from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good effect and trade it for protection from the leopard.
The dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made an ass of, and says: "Here mister monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving little Irish mutt." Now, Woofy sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks: "F#ck, I'm a gonner - what am I gonna do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them just yet. And just when they get within earshot, Woofy says (once again in a loud voice): "Where's that f#ckin' monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She’s a doctor."
"That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a brothel."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, "I’m actually a solicitor. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
“That's what they call it now!"

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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask?"
The little girl replied, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

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Police were called to an Indian restaurant in Blackpool at the weekend after a worker was found in a huge vat of curry and cream. Police said that contrary to current rumour the man has not died, although he has fallen into a deep korma.

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A woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the ‘festivities’. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like scr#wing a kangaroo, then I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith
"Well,” said the receptionist, “one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible!” said Mr. Smith. “Can we do the tests again?
"Normally, yes,“ said the Receptionist, “but you’re in the NHS, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" moaned Mr. Smith
The receptionist said "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

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"The thrill’s gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried it - it doesn’t work."

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At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the milkman say to Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!’ "

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farm came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Cocoa, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative but very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around for a while, he decided that the Nissan 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a nominal fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets p#ssed off with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gone down there; send him up here. – NOW!"
“Get stuffed,” said Satan, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day, he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home. The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it. After about 30 seconds, he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there.
She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks at her in confusion and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell. She says, "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder - I can't wipe my bum."

OK, Ladies, Gentlemen, others (does that leave anyone out?), this will be my last post for a while as I'm on holiday all next week. I'll be back on the 18th, when your downloading can resume. No-one's asked for a copy of the 171 page work document that all these jokes are coming from. Frightened it'll clog up the e-mail system???
Anyway...

Bob and Jack got into Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained, “and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned bright red and he said, "Yeah, sorry mate, I'm afraid I did. How did you find out?"
"She just died and left me six million quid!"

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Q: Why do managers sing when they're on the toilet?

A: So they know which end to wipe when they're finished.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."

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The psychology tutor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man at the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a football manager."

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"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, the regular kind," replied Tommy.

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The drunk announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting,” said the bartender. “Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," slurred the drunk. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f#cking advice, they'd let me know

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A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The barman shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the barman, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand trouser pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."
The barman got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the gents?"
"Out the door," said the barman, "turn left, walk a couple of hundred yards, and there's one in a petrol station on the corner."

Hi Guys, Gals & others - the Naitch is back!
I can see that no-one has added any more jokes since my last deposit, so it must be damned slow out there. Either that, or you're all sitting there with baited breath!!! Anyway, here goes...

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man with the intention of screwing him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12-inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

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Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man in town this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" he asked, very concerned.
"Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."

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A little kid sees his dad naked for the first time as he gets out of the shower. "WOW! What's that, daddy?" asks the little boy, pointing to his dad's crotch.
"Son ...er...that's a...a hedgehog." answers the embarrassed parent.
"Sh#t! It sure has a big c#ck, doesn’t it?" said the kid.

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Pat & Mick were over in England for the week-end, and one day they were walking down Carnaby Street (yup, this IS an old joke!) when Mick pokes Pat in the ribs and says,
"Hey Pat, would you look at the signs in that clothes shop over there".
Pat looks over and reads the signs, which say, “Suits - 10 Pounds, Trousers - 5 Pounds, Shirts - 4 pounds.”
"Holy Smoke Mick" says Pat, “we could make our fortune by going in there and buying a load of clothes from him and taking them back home and flogging them for a tidy profit.”
"Yeah" says Mick, "but if he realises that we are Irish, he might catch on to what we're going to do, and not sell to us.
"No problem" says Pat, "I'll just go in there and put on me best English accent. He'll be none the wiser"
So in they go and Pat puts on his best English accent and says, "Awwright Guvnor, I'll have 20 Whistle & Flutes, 20 of yer Dicky Dirts, and 20 pairs of Strides, and I'll be paying with 380 pictures of the Queen, which I have here in my Skyrocket".
The owner looks at Pat & Mick and says, "You're Irish, aren't you".
"How the feck did you know that?” asks Pat.
"Easy", says the owner, "This is a Drycleaners".

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A randy drake and his girlfriend book into a posh hotel for some afternoon nookie. As they are about to indulge in the dirty deed the drake realises he has forgotten his condoms and, not knowing his latest ducky companion, wants to be safe. He calls room service on the chance that they might help him out and, to his great relief, is told that someone will be there shortly.
Just a few minutes later, there is a knock at the door. A waiter with a tray full of condoms asks, "You rang for these sir?"
"Yes that's fantastic!" replies the drake.
"Shall I put them on your bill sir?" asks the waiter.
"Sod off!" says the drake, "What do you think I am - some kind of pervert?"

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This Englishman is being shown around a military hospital in Edinburgh during the First World War. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, great chieftain o' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi' murdering prattle!"
"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Och no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

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Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

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A man went to his solicitor and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The solicitor says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset. "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

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"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night, depending when you're reading this. To continue...

When little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

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Solly needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm - Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."
Solly says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Manchester, and he won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"

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The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it, then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the Town Square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

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The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year now. You started off in the mailroom. One week later, you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said Rob.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"You’re quite right," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

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The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Robson and Jerome. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Jerome, leaning over a rubbish bin. His trousers are down to his ankles, and Robson is banging away from behind.
Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"
Robson says, "Jerome passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
Robson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

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Jill: “I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.”
Mary: “Tell me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!”
Jill: “Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?”
Mary: “I thought I asked legitimate questions, like, ‘Why did you hit the ball into that lake?’"

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"What's your father's occupation?" asked the lady teacher on the first day of the new school year.
"He's a magician, Miss,” said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favourite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters.

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The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The groom approached the desk and asked for the best room available for they were on their honeymoon.
The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.
"No,” the groom replied, “I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it!"

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy..

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.


Lee

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an
"Australian treasure!"

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his
reply to the lady who

interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel
about gun laws

you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It
is a portion of an ABC

interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about
to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys
when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

A lady was filling her car at a petrol station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm. Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.
A police car was at the junction where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her.”
“After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

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When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly service agent told him that the printer probably only needed a thorough cleaning. Because the store charged £50 for such cleanings, he said the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by the man's candour, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
(Ed’s note – This must ring true with some of you out there! ! ! ! ! !)

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The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

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"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

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Three pensioners were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second senior chipped in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem - knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, pause for few seconds and then said, "That must be the front door, I'll get it."

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Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called an engineer. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. "Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you the cheque. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, ...do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the engineer arrived at Mrs. Davidson's house the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the engineer go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the engineer couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!"

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A Geordie on visit to London decides to have a drink in pub he is passing. Once at the bar he tells the barman that he would like a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale.
“Sorry” the barman replies, “We only sell Whitbread Bitter”.
“Oh, I'll have a pint o' that then” and he pulled up a stool to the bar, As the barman hands him his pint, the Geordie decides that he needs to go to the toilet,
“I need a pee. Watch me pint will ya and divn’t let any wun tooch it, or I'll break their neck. I hate people touchin' me pint”
“Sure”, said the barman.
The Geordie has only been gone for about a minute when a large, black woman who had been sat in the corner, comes over to the pint, picks it up, farts in it, places it back down and goes back to her seat without a care in the world. The barman just stood there in total disbelief.
Just then, in walks the Geordie, still doing up his fly, just as he is about to pick up the pint he stops and frowns, “Sumwuns ‘ad me pint!”
The barman stutters nervously. “I cannot lie. That black woman over there just farted in it”.
The Geordie slammed the drink down and marched over to the woman, “’Scuse me luv, you fart in ma Whitbread?”
“No” she replied “I'm Tessa Sanderson”

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An Essex girl is involved in a very nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on the scene.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
Girl: " OK"
Medic: "What's your name"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Girl: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Girl: "Romford, mate"

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A lawyer is walking down the street when he accidentally steps into some dog mess. A few seconds later he happens to be looking down at his feet, when he notices it dripping from his shoe.
He screams, "Aaahhhh! I'm melting!"

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish
Archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English Archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, The Kerryman, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught Archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."