Hi Guys, Gals & others - the Naitch is back! I can see that no-one has added any more jokes since my last deposit, so it must be damned slow out there. Either that, or you're all sitting there with baited breath!!! Anyway, here goes...
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man with the intention of screwing him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12-inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"
Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man in town this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!" "How did you meet this fellow?" he asked, very concerned. "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."
A little kid sees his dad naked for the first time as he gets out of the shower. "WOW! What's that, daddy?" asks the little boy, pointing to his dad's crotch. "Son ...er...that's a...a hedgehog." answers the embarrassed parent. "Sh#t! It sure has a big c#ck, doesn’t it?" said the kid.
Pat & Mick were over in England for the week-end, and one day they were walking down Carnaby Street (yup, this IS an old joke!) when Mick pokes Pat in the ribs and says, "Hey Pat, would you look at the signs in that clothes shop over there". Pat looks over and reads the signs, which say, “Suits - 10 Pounds, Trousers - 5 Pounds, Shirts - 4 pounds.” "Holy Smoke Mick" says Pat, “we could make our fortune by going in there and buying a load of clothes from him and taking them back home and flogging them for a tidy profit.” "Yeah" says Mick, "but if he realises that we are Irish, he might catch on to what we're going to do, and not sell to us. "No problem" says Pat, "I'll just go in there and put on me best English accent. He'll be none the wiser" So in they go and Pat puts on his best English accent and says, "Awwright Guvnor, I'll have 20 Whistle & Flutes, 20 of yer Dicky Dirts, and 20 pairs of Strides, and I'll be paying with 380 pictures of the Queen, which I have here in my Skyrocket". The owner looks at Pat & Mick and says, "You're Irish, aren't you". "How the feck did you know that?” asks Pat. "Easy", says the owner, "This is a Drycleaners".
A randy drake and his girlfriend book into a posh hotel for some afternoon nookie. As they are about to indulge in the dirty deed the drake realises he has forgotten his condoms and, not knowing his latest ducky companion, wants to be safe. He calls room service on the chance that they might help him out and, to his great relief, is told that someone will be there shortly. Just a few minutes later, there is a knock at the door. A waiter with a tray full of condoms asks, "You rang for these sir?" "Yes that's fantastic!" replies the drake. "Shall I put them on your bill sir?" asks the waiter. "Sod off!" says the drake, "What do you think I am - some kind of pervert?"
This Englishman is being shown around a military hospital in Edinburgh during the First World War. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, great chieftain o' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi' murdering prattle!" "Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last." "Och no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself. After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
A man went to his solicitor and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The solicitor says "No problem, leave it all to me". The man looks somewhat upset. "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
