EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it! Be strong. I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half-naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

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A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There’s no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, and never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

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Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of coffee."
"I'll have a coffee too," Bill said, "and please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "Then you must be....?"
"Yes,” replied Brother Michael, somewhat sheepishly, “I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

A young guy was lying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna orgasm?" she asked.
"Oh, yes please!" came the excited reply.
"OK," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

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Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his car when he saw his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below. Bruce slammed on the brakes and shouted, "Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doing'?"
Sheila turned around with a tear in her eye and said, "Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce got a lump in his throat when he heard this and replied, "Sheila, you’re not just a sport, but you're a damned good sport too!"

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Jimmy was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness and The Big Zero in the Sky.
Jimmy turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered, "Is Nothing sacred?

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A couple had just started their childbirth class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand round his waist, to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously throwing shots of whisky down his throat. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back the shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore he isn’t!"

Here you go Ladies & Gentlemen - start downloading this lot!

A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the flesh of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different colour."
There was a long silence. Then the boy asked, "Daddy, are you talking to me?

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A bloke in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, flattened a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something
The taxi driver says, "It's not your fault sir. This is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

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A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realise you were pregnant."

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A father, in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a right turn at a no-right-turn sign. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

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A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.
"You're not rescued yet either."

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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," replied the waitress," I thought you wanted more coffee."

Your starting to dredge the depths now Naitch!!!!

Kwacker

All I'm doing is transplanting sections of the 171-page Word Document that has all these jokes in the order that they're written. I didn't write the jokes, I just collect 'em and pass them on. IF I wanted to paste in the jokes that I thought would be funny, then...
1) I'd get thrown off the site. One moderator has already (and justifiably) told me to exercise a bit of restraint. Some of the jokes on the doc are a bit on the rough side,
2) The local Vice Squad would be onto me like a ton of bricks, and...
3) A lot of religious organisations would kick the organic waste out of me. I usually counter this by quoting Terry Pratchett - "Freedom of Religion alsio includes Freedom FROM Religion". I'm sure this bit of philosophy (if that's what it is) can be applied to almost any subject.
If you want something a little closer to the knuckle, I can send something via a PM if you want. A couple of guys have asked for a copy of the original document, plus some rough/offensive (delete as applicable) stuff.

Naitch

Naitch, I think you've single handedly (is that a word? ) doubled the size of my database

...and your dots break my pages


H.

Huw

1) To be annoyingly precise, it's 'singlehandedly', it IS a word, but it's all one (word that is)...

2) I could quite easily TRIPLE the size of your database, if you ask nicely! (Can I assume that "...(your) database..." refers to your personal stock of jokes?)

3) Surely you know how to remove dots!!! Actually, on the original Word document, they're a mixture of minus-signs and slashes, i.e. ...

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Glad you like the jokes, and (given the somewhat risque nature of some of them) your approval! (That's the kiss of death!)

Naitch

Yeah, I know Sorry, I wasn't too bothered to find the reference





erm, well not really.
I was talking about the size of this forum database.
(One of nine db's on the ebme site)
The contents of this forum database alone is 90Mb+ and I was just joking
Please don't...
Please





Yeah - but if you think I'm editing all your posts, when I could be in the pub.....



Hang on now, I didn't say that...

Just to be clear, I can't follow all the posts all of the time (although, I do try my best.)

Naitch
I wasn't referring to the risque or not factor of your jokes, but more to the fact that they're eliciting more groans rather than hystericla laughter!!!!!

Ooops, and for more than one reason. I think I'll keep schtum for a bit - I'm starting to suffer from Foot IN Mouth Disease (a recurrent complaint)! I'll stick to what (I think) I'm good at...

A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynaecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," said the woman, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"Mmmm, I see." said the doctor.
"That afternoon I went again and there were 5 pence pieces in the bowl."
"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.
"That night," she went on, "there were 10p pieces and this morning there were 20ps! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared stiff!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing to be frightened about. You're simply going through the change."

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There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting in the garden in a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they’re from these wicker chairs."

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An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: "Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says. "There’s a 20 pound note stuck up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears. "This is amazing," exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur fecks sake, take it out, man," shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, then a fiver, then another and another etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank yer koindly, dat's much better. How much is der den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "1990 pounds exactly," he replied.
"Ah, dat'd be roit,” said Paddy, “I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm," states the fairy godmother.
Cinderella agrees, then asks, "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very ‘satisfied’.
"Where have you been?" demanded the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother,” said Cinderella, with a faraway look in her eyes, “he took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power,” said the fairy godmother, “What’s his name!"
"I’m not exactly sure - it sounded like ‘Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater', or something like that...."