A young guy was lying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna orgasm?" she asked.
"Oh, yes please!" came the excited reply.
"OK," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

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Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his car when he saw his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below. Bruce slammed on the brakes and shouted, "Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doing'?"
Sheila turned around with a tear in her eye and said, "Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce got a lump in his throat when he heard this and replied, "Sheila, you’re not just a sport, but you're a damned good sport too!"

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Jimmy was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness and The Big Zero in the Sky.
Jimmy turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered, "Is Nothing sacred?

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A couple had just started their childbirth class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand round his waist, to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously throwing shots of whisky down his throat. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back the shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore he isn’t!"



Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!