EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

A cruise in the Pacific went all wrong ,
the ship sank and there were only 3 survivors,
ian darren and debbie. They managed to swim to an
island where the lived for a couple of years doing
what is natural for men and women to do.
After a couple of years debbie began to feel guilty
about having casual sex with two men , so she killed
herself. It was very tragic, but the two men helped each other
through the difficult time and slowly nature began to take
its course .A couple of years went by and darren and ian
began to feel really guilty about what they where doing, so .......



they buried her

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years younger than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said thinking out loud. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old soccer player’s aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded again.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a [censored]. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb [censored]' is it?''
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

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While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 40 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local secondary school.
"Yes." he replied.
"When did you leave?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1954."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"

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Q: What's black and comes hurtling out of the ground shouting "Knickers, knickers, knickers"?
A: Crude oil.

Q: What's yellow and comes out of cans saying "Lingerie, lingerie, lingerie"?
A: Refined oil.

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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the vicar, Mummy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

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There's this guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes back to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is.
"Your parrot has too much hook in its beak. What you need to do is file its beak back and it'll be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink."
The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says "For you, sir, fifty quid." So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself.
A week later they bump into each other on the street. The pet shop owner inquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet. The bloke replies: "Oh, the parrot's dead." The pet shop owner says, "Didn't I tell you not to file the beak back too far! Did he drown when he had a drink?"
Ex-parrot owner says: "Feck no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!"

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Ole and Sven were golfing when Sven pulled out a cigar; he didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my bag," said Ole.
"Could I see him?"
Ole opens the side pocket of his golf bag and out pops the genie.
Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

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It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow, saying, "This is amazing, how do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing, how do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

Hello chaps, chapesses and others - sorry I'm late. Work interfered again!

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the local parish priest if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint.
As they drove to the paint store, they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the priest outside to look at their work.
"It looks wonderful," the priest said and as he started to hand them the check a small rain-cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the parish area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the church the paint started running.
Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in absolute amazement, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."

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Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his top advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with a control knob, a lever, and two slots in the top. "What do you think this is?" he asked.
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster my lord," he said.
The king then asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Um, using a four-bit micro-controller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantifies its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer consultant, immediately recognised the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said: "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind," he continued, "we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods and specialise this class into subclasses, namely grains, pork, and poultry. The specialisation process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, ham and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelette classes."
"The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself'. The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 12.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 12.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. A Pentium 4 Processor with 256 megs of memory and a 40-gig hard disk should probably be sufficient. If you select a multi-tasking, object-oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a doddle. Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit micro-controller!"
The king nodded knowledgeably, had the computer consultant beheaded, and everybody lived happily ever after.

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What did the inflatable teacher say to an inflatable boy who came into the inflatable school with a pin?
[Typical moany teacher voice]: "You've let ME down, you've let THE SCHOOL down, and, worst of all, you've let YOURSELF down..."

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Teacher: “Shane, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’”.
Shane: “I is...”
Teacher: “No, Shane. Always say, "I am."
Shane: “All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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A fellow was doing work in his garden after a storm and realised that he couldn't find the rake. His wife was about to take a shower and he yelled up to her, "Where’s the rake?"
She couldn't hear him properly, so she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
The wife wasn't sure what he meant and said, "What?"
So he repeated the gestures. "EYE KNEE -THE RAKE"
She waved that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her arse, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell that he could even come close to understanding that one, so, exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her "What in the hell was that?"
She replied, “EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH”.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful full-breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
At which point, all the other bells started to ring.........

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

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There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary and those that don't.

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One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods. They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all. "Damn!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best."
But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green."
The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.
A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building. As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..."
"No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a seven."

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Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns to dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

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There's a rumour doing the rounds that says that the Queen is going to skip Prince Charles and give the crown to Prince William instead, when she dies.
Would that be a coronary bypass?

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One dismal, rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Central Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

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One day, a GP, a junior doctor (one of them intern people), a surgeon and a pathologist are out duck hunting near Mullingar. First up is the local GP. He raises his gun to take aim at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck." BANG! He bags himself a duck.
The young intern then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of birds flying overhead. He says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus duck, likely." BANG! He, too, bags himself a duck.
A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and raises his gun at the flock. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! He fires multiple rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around. The surgeon lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says, "Tell me if this is a duck."

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Jim returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.
"All right," Jim shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!"
A muffled voice came from under the bed said, "Havana."

This Irishwoman and her husband had a large and luxurious home in the south of France, and they decided to throw a dinner party for all the major Irish people in the region. The woman was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a very beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place for an expresso or a glass of wine.
They were at her apartment about 300 yards down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was totally shagged afterwards in more ways than one, and he conked out there and then.
At seven o'clock the next morning (!) he woke up and realised the time. "Oh no!!! The wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on dead fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He dashed down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails across the verandah, there were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with his very angry missus standing in the doorway wondering where the heck he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Right, come on lads, one final effort, we're almost there!"

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A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

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A man and his wife were driving into town and were stopped by a policeman.
"Do you know you were doing over the speed limit back there. I was following you for some time", said the officer.
"I'm sure I was only doing about 40,” said the man.
"No you weren't," piped up his wife, "You were doing at least 80 and you know it!"
The man looked at his wife very angrily and threateningly, then returned to look at the officer who was taking note of what was being said.
"Do you also realise that one of your rear lights is broken?" said the policeman.
"Really!?" said the man, "It must have just happened."
"No it didn't!" shouted his wife, "I've been asking you to fix that rear light for ages and you've just been too lazy to do anything about it!"
The officer listened intently, but the man got very angry and started shouting and swearing at his wife. The officer managed to get the man to calm down and then in a concerned manner asked the wife, "Does your husband always speak to you in such a violent manner?"
"Only when he's drunk", she replied.

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When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," admitted the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

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A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity!"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up. "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."
So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "A new brothel and a new madam!"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well f#ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients . . . how’s it goin', Dave?"

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An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly levelled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Christ, that's awful stuff you've got there!"
"Yeah, ain't it?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "
“Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

The fact that 84 people are reading this thread means that you are ready and waiting! here goes...

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger. After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one, so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

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Jesus and Moses are hanging out one afternoon by a lake, reminiscing about the good ol' testament days. Moses walks over to the water's edge, gestures with his arms and shouts "part!” As the water rolls back in on itself, creating a path across the lake, Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Hey, I still got it!" He walks back toward Jesus, with the waters settling back into place behind him.
Not to be out done, Jesus proceeds to the water's edge then starts stepping out across the water, but almost immediately sinks. Perplexed, he returns to dry ground. Moses suggests he try it again, after all, why should the Son of God lose his ability to walk on water. Jesus tries several more times, each ending in wet, angry failure.
Finally he returns to Moses and flops down on the ground next to him. After several moments of silently watching Jesus fuming and muttering to himself, Moses works up the courage and asks "Wait a second -- did you ALWAYS have those holes in your feet?"

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Once, a burglar rushed into a bank, pointed the gun to the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "Don't you mean HISTORY?"
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

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A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, mate," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his mate. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his white stick and kick his guide dog in the #rse."

The owners of the house in which the plane crashed into, returned from holiday, deeply regretting having not turned the landing light off.

It seems the pilot headed for the wardrobe, after all that is where the hanger was...

Five Cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Hospital. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You f#cking pillock! For four weeks we've been eating Medical Directors, Accountants, Division Chiefs and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat a cleaning lady!"

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A woman goes to Sweden to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "A nice, young Swedish girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for....the Swedish girl?
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could – we’ll have to wait about eight and a half months, though”

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A man, who had his share of the bottle, decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the centre of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of a sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No," the voice replied. "I’m the manager of this ice hockey rink."

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One day little Mary came home from playing at Little Johnny's house. "Mummy, Mummy, Johnny's penis is like a peanut."
Her mother is confused and then she realizes what her daughter is talking about. "Oh, you mean, it’s shaped like a peanut."
"No, no," says Mary, "it's salty!"

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A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be £3.08p, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 pence for?" asks the blonde. "It says £3 right here on the price tag."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"God", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed there. Where do you tack them??"

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Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good." said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had altitude sickness, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!" The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game, he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, "Wiremu, you hev eltitude suckniss eh."
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer. "Will Wiremu," said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna hev to cut off your b#llocks."
"Phew, thenk god for thet!" said Wiremu. "Those Pommie b#stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid £6,000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid £3000 to get my teeth straightened and whitened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"

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A guy goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"

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It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a pint of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a pint of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a pint of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

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A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says, "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

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A Medical Tutor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or testicles when a female student asked the male students if they ever got an erection while they did self-examination of their testicles. They answered that it was possible that they had. “You know, you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused,” one of them said.
She then asked, "What do you do about it?"
They said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then say, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"
They said no way!
She then said, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"
The male students said yes.
At which point, she says, "I'm going to kill my f#cking husband!"

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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie...But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, sunshine," says the genie. "You know how it works. You’ve got three wishes."
"I'm not falling that old chestnut!" says the man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!"
"What’ve to got to lose? You've got no transport, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Ok, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".
“P O O F!” The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Right, pal, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." “P O O F!” The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I am, beautiful women will want and need me."
“P O O F!” He is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story?

If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached!

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A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his manhood. "I do all my talking with this."
"Good grief," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

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Two blokes staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely p#ssed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "I'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the barman.
"What about him?" asked the barman, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.

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"Doc, I can hear all kinds of animals talk in my head."
"Well, don't worry," said the doctor. "You're just having Disney spells."

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One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.