EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

The story is told of the zookeeper who one day was passing the monkey house. He looked in and saw a monkey sitting on the branch of a tree with the Bible in one hand and Darwin's "On the Origin of Species" in the other.

"What are you doing?" asked the zookeeper.

The monkey replied, "I'm trying to discover whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother!"

(not really a joke as such ... but thought-provoking, I hope)

Here's a abridged extract from a book I received of the same name as the punch line.

True story, a vicar was visiting a infant school and asked the children why it was a special time of year.

"It's Christmas" replied one boy

"and why is Christmas special" asked the Vicar

and all the children explained they get presents and preceded to list what presents they'd like.

Christmas is not just about presents the vicar explained it's the birth of a special baby.

At that point one boy informed him that he knew and said "It were called Wayne"

"Wayne? Certainly not!" cried the vicar

"It were!" cried the boy

"Jesus" snapped the Vicar

"Wayne" repeated the boy "I know, 'cos we all sing about it in assembly"



Very amusing book, certainly recommend it.

An old joke doing the rounds again.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'


So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'


The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks . and they keep coming!


The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'


'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Lee

There are these two cannibals, eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Theres this guy who's shipwrecked on a dersert Island somewhere in the world,
One day he's laying around on the sand looking out to infintiy and see something in the water swimming towards the Island.
It emerges to be be a woman in a skin divers suit, she slowly walks up to him on the beach and say's to him in a 'French Accent'
Missur how long is it since you have had a drink?
He says to her, 'I havent had a drink of whisky since the day I was shipwrecked on this Island' , Thankyou yes I'll have some.
She un-zipps her left breast pocket and produces a bottle of whisky.
Then she says to him 'missur how long is it since you have had a cigarette?
He thinks to himself blimey this is too good to be true, 'he replies'I havent had one of those since the day I was shipwrecked here as well'
She un-zipps her right breast pocket and produces a packet of fags and a lighter.
While he's tucking into the fags and whisky, she then asks him another question,whilst un-doing the centre zip of her costume she say's
'Missur how long is it since you have played around?

He say's, 'Cor blimey girl, you gotta set of golf clubs down there as well!!!' boom boom

A couple of jokes for the ladies


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

_______________________________________________________________

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh [censored].' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

_______________________________________________________________

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.


Lee

I got banned from B&Q today.
A bloke in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in.

Robert

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big [censored] he always was.'


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter,
I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you
for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you
to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.#



Lee

THE DYSLEXIC NURSE

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours.... She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!!!!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour. The guy damn near exploded!!!!"
Suddenly they hear this blood curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my GOD," said the first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr.Smith's boil!!!!"

On their 15th wedding anniversary, a man and his wife were retiring to bed for the night. The wife stood there, stark naked, and asked her husband, "when you first saw me naked like this, what were you thinking?"
Her husband replied, "I wanted to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry!"
"And now.....?" she asked.
After a short pause, the husband said "Yep, I think I succeeded!"