EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad
for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind.

He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come
to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you
want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you
need to press 9".

Lee

The Tesco Doctor
>
> One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
> behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a
> doctor!"
>
> Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike
> replies.
>
> There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine
> sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about
> it.
>
> It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker
> and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
>
> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
> Tesco.
>
>
> He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for
> the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
> heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
> Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
> samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the
> mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check
> what would happen.
>
> He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
> results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
>
> 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>
> 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>
> 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
> lawyer..
>
> 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
> never get better....
>
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Lee

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of
> her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who
> thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny
> stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
> 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
>
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>
> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
> her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself
> beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
> tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
>
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>
> The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
> class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and
> 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon
> Network!'
>
>
> * * * * * * * * * *
> *
>
>
> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
> police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
> 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
> asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
> policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny
> asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
>
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>
>
> Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
> his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
> horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
> 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm
> buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
> shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the
> Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .'

Lee

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'


Tony leaned over, touched Julie 's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

Sir Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Manchester.
Two weeks later Manchester United are 4-0 down to West Brom (well, we can dream!) with only 20 minutes left. Ferguson gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation! He scores 5 goals in 15 minutes and wins the game for United.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the Iraqi comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says, 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten up and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all this time, you were having a great time.'
The young lad is, understandably, very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? SORRY?!!!' says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!"

(written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8




HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

Lee

Little Audrey goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them .

Mum said . "YOU should say "NO" - they only want to look at your knickers"

Susie said "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!! :-)



Lee

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.





'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.








" P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home

Lee

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!'


Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok

today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs

hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really

need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my

wife and tell her to give me S e x. That Makes
everything

better and I go to work. You try that.'



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say

and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........ .You got nice house.'

Lee

Another one for the ladies.


Shopping above everything !

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was
and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up!
she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead
and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.



The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

Lee