EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

One for the ladies

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available


Lee

A teenage granddaughter
Comes downstairs for her date
With a see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
That she has friends coming over
And that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
Then I can display my hanging baskets.


Lee

Printers were sent from Hell...

I don't usually bother even looking at the "Jokes" thread(s) ... but having noticed that Huw had posted, I took the risk of having a peek.

And I'm glad I did, because that link is brilliant. It is absolutely true, of course ... and clearly shows how the marketing of printers has taken the fine art of gouging to such an advanced stage.

PS: all that is part of the reason that I never use a printer myself these days (now that all my old dot-matrix examples have been happily found new homes).

Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
?
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ...... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
?
Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin .

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
?
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
?
Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ..... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
?
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
?
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!



Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"

Lee

Dress Code.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .



* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or whisky or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)


Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

I think we may have seen some of these before but they are still true.


Understanding Engineers One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Lee

A prayer for 2011:

Dear God:
For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.
Amen

Jokes 3 Grandson of jokes?