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Joined: Oct 2002
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Expert
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Expert
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Here's a seasonal quip courtesy of our Hospital School:

- What do you get if you meet a snowman crossed with a vampire?

- Frostbite!

grin

Joined: Oct 2006
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Master
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Master
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Dear Mr Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK.

Economy;

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them 1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy 100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

Also.....

The Pensioners;

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard , with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC, a TV, radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The Criminals;

Would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay 600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

Illegal Immigrants;

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Also;


Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

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Hero
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Hero
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How many women does it take to wallpaper a room?




Four if you slice them thinly enough


My spelling is not bad. I am typing this on a Medigenic keyboard and I blame that for all my typos.
Joined: Jan 2005
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Philosopher
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Philosopher
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Neoteny
I like your missive to Mr Cameron. However, Point No. 2 will be difficult to fulfil as there aren't 10 million British cars built these days and there aren't the facilities or the work skill to build this number.
However, they could all buy Nissan or Honda cars that are built in the UK, but the profit would go back to Japan!!


Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own.
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Philosopher
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Philosopher
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Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked in to a bra?

Lee


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
Joined: Nov 2005
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Mentor
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Mentor
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How do you make a walrus commit suicide?


Point at it's chest and say "what's that"


Mark Radbourne
Service Manager
Inspiration Healthcare Ltd
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Master
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Master
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I Pads for free on the NHS, so much for saving money

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Philosopher
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I've just been on a once in a life time holiday


never again!

Lee


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 243
Master
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Master
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Posts: 243


Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark, but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek.

Sarkozy thinks: Why me ? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that Id get the blame for it and she slapped methe English [censored].

Cameron thinks: I cant wait for another tunnel, just so I can kiss the back of my hand again and smack that little French s*d another time.


Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Philosopher
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Philosopher
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DOG FOR SALE:


A guy is driving around the back woods of Dunning
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eightyears running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'


Lee


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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