EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Anyway, to resume...

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the kids picked me up in the terminal. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting, area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got good news!"
I waved back and said excitedly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted through the crowd.

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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
The light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. If not, I’ll do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for Christ's sake tell him to take his elbow off the intercom button"

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George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they want. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland".
George says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!! "
The third kid says, "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out that I saved your ass from drowning!!!"

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Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's off licence. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a litre of the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was smashed. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the pavement. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! The shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me like this, she's gonna sh*t herself!"

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A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

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This chap tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.
Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.
"Oh good," the man responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."
"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate.

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large...all in the name of humour."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little b*st*rd, sitting on your knee!"

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A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room under you complained that the chandelier fell on them."

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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

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Miss Annie was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise! Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Annie had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
When she returned with tea and biscuits, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Annie," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold for over a year.

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A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"
So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".
"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?"
"It won't help your sunburn much,” says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

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I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

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Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there." After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self-control, jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his arse off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Hello everybod peeps. Naitch is not at work today, as he has a hacking cough, a sore throat and his nose/lungs are churning out more toxic waste than Sellafield. So, he's doing this from home, where he has more written jokes there than at work, such as...


A Doctor claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their sigmoidoscopies (In other words, he inserted an optical device up their back passages in order to examine the prostate, or anything else of interest):

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Lord Lucan yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in some parts of Somerset, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how Sooty feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

And the best one of them all..........

13. "Could you write a note for my boss saying that my head is, in fact, not up there?"

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For men tired of receiving male-bashing jokes

Q: How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it


Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s just one of those genetic things that enable a woman to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…..”


Q: How do you repair a lady’s watch?
A: You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven.


Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You’ve always told her twice.


Q: If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. It’ll shut up once you let it in.


Q: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won’t do as she’s told.


S: I married Miss Right. I didn’t know her Christian name was Always.


S: I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.


S: Scientists have discovered a foodstuff that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 95%. Its called Wedding Cake.


S: Marriage is a 3-ring circus. Engagement ring, Wedding ring and Suffering.


S: OK, I admit it. The fight I had last night was partly my fault. She asked what was on the telly, and I said “Dust”.


S: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.


J: A beggar approaches a well-dressed woman in Chelsea and said “I haven’t eaten anything for four days”. She looked at him and replied “God, I wish I had your willpower.”


Son: “Is it true Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
Dad: “That happens in every country, son”


J: A man put an advert in the Edinburgh Evening News: “Wife wanted”. The next day he got 3,500 letters all saying the same thing: “You can have mine”


S: The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it, but it’ll happen only once.


S: Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on turning out the lights. After 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous, and would try and break this habit. So, one night while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming session, she turned on the light. She looked down…………and saw her husband was holding a battery powered pleasure device….a vibrator….. soft…… wonderful…… and larger than the real thing. She goes ballistic. “YOU IMPOTENT [censored]!!” she screams at him. “How could you deceive me after all these years? You’d better have an explanation that’s phenomenal!”
Her husband looks straight into her eyes and says calmly “I’ll explain the toy……if you explain the kids….”

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What follows are excerpts from Scottish Higher Exam Maths papers (almost equivalent to English/Welsh A-Levels)

GLASGOW REGION

Name................................
Nickname...........................
Gangname..........................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for distribution. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he’ll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he’ll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he’d stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they’re winning and every 15 minutes when they’re losing. How many times did they sing it at last season’s Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock – and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers’ Brief?

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name.....................................
Rugby Club..............................
Daddy’s Company......................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter’s friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown’s flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair’s dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin’s Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin’s Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?


HIGHLANDS REGION

Name.............................
Glen...............................

1. After Hector’s death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge – Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

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Hi y'all. I'm still in my pit, but I am getting better. But you don't want to know that, do you? You just want more jokes, don't you? Fair enough - here they come...

This one's about hangovers. At 4.30 on a Wednesday night, the entire workshop decamp to the nearest boozer to forget about the crap day they've had. This sums up the degrees of suffering that most of us have to put up with on the following morning...

The hangover scale.......oh so very true……oh how we remember!


1 star hangover *

There’s no pain. There’s no real feeling of illness. Your slept in you own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka Red Bulls. However, you could quite happily drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger with a side order of fries.

2 star hangover * *

There’s still no pain, but something is very definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug, in order to try and remain focused, is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by, you gag because her/his perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you consumed with your semi-alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might throw up. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like road maps and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following:
a) Home time,
b) A Doughnut,
c) Somewhere to be alone,
d) A time machine, so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd like to cry, but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems a pretty good idea right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ......very gently and very quietly.

6 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

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Wives and Husbands and more

Wife – “What are you doing?”
Husband – “Nothing.”
Wife – “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!”
Husband – “Yeah, I’m looking for the expiry date.”

Wife – “Do you want dinner?”
Husband – “Yes, please. What are the choices?”
Wife – “Yes and no.”

Wife – “You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?”
Husband – “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”
Wife – “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
Husband – “Yes, I see your picture and ask myself, ‘what other problem can be greater than this one?’”

Girl – “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy – “That’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Girl – “Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

Son – “Mum, when I was on the bus this morning with Dad, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
Mum – “Well, you did the right thing.”
Son – “But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!”

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father had not left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” replied the woman sweetly, “I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!”

A girl said to her boyfriend, “One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.”
The boy replied, “Thanks for the early warning.”

Wife – “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
Husband – “Well,” he replied after he looked at her from head to toe, “I like your sense of humour.”

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Bono, the singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the music industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. Whilst playing a gig in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in his thrall, he quietly spoke into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, yelled back, “Then f**kin’ stop doin’ it then!”

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I have a stock of jokes that I can't put onto this site, as they would be considered offensive. The Webmaster would ban me, AND there is a strong possibility that the site would be closed down, Therefore, I will be taking the liberty of sending some of them via conventional e-mail. Even if I sent them as a PM on this site, I think I would STILL get strung up!

A woman wondered by a house where she saw a sweet old man rocking in his chair lookin very content.....she ased him what his secret was.....

he said

i smoke 40 cigs a day

drink a bottle of whisky a day

and i eat mcdonalds "super size" twice a day

and i never exercise!!!!!!

how old r u she asked

oh i'm 26


Lee

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others
doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's behind?"

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their behind when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

Lee

DAVID BLAINE TEST
This is creepy!
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Think of a letter between
A and W
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Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down
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Keep going
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Don't stop
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of either
a man's or a woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animal's name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
Almost
there
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
on
your
hand
.
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Of course they
F****ing
don't !
.
.
.
..
.
Now smack
yourself in the head,
get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
.
.
.
.
.
Lee

ENGINEERING BULLSHIT

What they say (and what they mean!)

A number of different approaches are being tried (We’re still pissing in the wind)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem (We just took on 3 kids straight out of college)

Close project co-ordination (We know who to blame)

Major Technological break-through (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech)

Customer satisfaction is delivered, assured (We’re so far behind schedule, the customer is happy to see it delivered, whatever state it’s in)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive (It blew up when we switched it on)

Test results were beyond our wildest dreams (We’re so surprised that it worked)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned (The only person who understood the thing has quit)

It is in the process (It’s so wrapped up in red tape, it can’t move)

We will look into it (Get stuffed! We’ve got enough to do)

Please note and initial (Let’s spread the blame for the latest screw-up)

Please give us the benefit of your thinking (We’ll listen to what you’ve got to say, so long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done)

Please give us your interpretation (I can’t wait to listen to this load of [censored])

See me or Let’s discuss (Come into my office, I’m lonely!)

All new (Parts not interchangeable with previous model)

Rugged (Too bleedin’ heavy to lift)

Lightweight (Slightly lighter than Rugged)

Years of development (One finally worked)

Energy saving (Worked perfectly well with the power switched off)

Low maintenance (Impossible to fix when broken)

..................................................................................................................................

GIRLS, You’re pissed, and you know it’s time to go home, because...

1) You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are,

2) You’ve just had to get someone to help you get your knickers up in the ladies room,

3) You suddenly decide you want to start a fight with “some bitch”,

4) On your last trip to the ladies, you realise you now look more like Gail from Coronation Street than the Goddess you were 4 hours ago,

5) You drop your 3.00 a.m. burger on the floor of MacDonald’s, pick it up and carry on eating it,

6) You start crying for no accountable reason,

7) There are less than 3 hours before you’re due to start work,

8) You’ve found a deeper side to the office idiot,

9) The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing become strangely overwhelming,

10) You’ve forgotten where you live,

11) You’ve started to sound like Walter Gabriel from all the cigarettes you’ve smoked, because, as you’ve mentioned thousands of times, you only smoke when you drink,

12) You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that’s because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka,

13) You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels like a pizza,

14) You start every conversation with a booming, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…..”

15) You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it,

16) Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble Wrestling take-down moves,

17) You’re tired, so you just sit on the floor (and why not?),

18) You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

..................................................................................................................................

A little religious humour


I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.

A good sermon should have a good beginning, a better ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.

Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

Protons have mass?????? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I am an agnostic pagan - I doubt the existence of many gods.

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things - right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

“He says Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at”. (Terry Pratchett - 'Small Gods')

“And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords” - Alan Wilson Watts

“Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.” - G.K. Chesterton

“I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” - Winston Churchill

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a pub. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Inland Revenue.

Adam to Eve - "I'll wear the plants in this family!"

And on the 8th day God said, “OK Murphy, you have a go!”

Birth, life, death - Repeat as necessary.

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, too.

Freedom OF religion also includes freedom FROM religion. (Terry Pratchett)

Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!

In a crisis, call for Isis!

In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.

Jesus Saves...throws to Moses...shoots.....HE SCORES!

That was Zen, but this is Tao.

Sects, sects, sects - that's all you monks ever think about?

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours and also to love our enemies. This is probably because they are the same people!

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus and said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe. - Malaclypse the Younger (Ed's note - I don't know who s/he is, either)

"If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, ‘cause that's what he's getting tonight."

Jesus Saves - by using double coupons and shopping wisely.

“Confession without repentance is just bragging.” - Rev. Eugene Bolton

"Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!"

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

Go thou and sin more creatively - next time!

Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practising witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

"I don't question YOUR existence." - God

..................................................................................................................................

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Dyer. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36, Menlow Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my Rainbow CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, when you eat a can of baked beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.

A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2001.

But imagine my friend's disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain. Any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard drive and cannot be deleted. They can re-surface months or even years later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.

The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments. Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2001 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2001, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

..................................................................................................................................

Things to Say when You're Stressed at Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfeck you!!!
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!
3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
4. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
5. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
6. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a fecking people person!
8. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing, still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
11. YOU!!... off my planet!!!
12. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose.
13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
14. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
15. And your cry-baby, whiny-arsed opinion would be.....?
16. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
17. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
19. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
20. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.
22. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. If I wanted to listen to an [censored], I’d have farted.
28. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
29. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done.
31. Ambivalent? Well yes and no.
32. You look like [censored]. Is that the style now?
33. Earth is full. Go home.
34. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
35. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
37. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
38. If arseholes could fly, this place would be an airport!

..................................................................................................................................

IRISH MEDICAL TERMS

ARTERY – The Study of Paintings

BENIGN – What you are after eight.

BACTERIA – Back door to cafeteria.

BARIUM – What Doctors do when patients die.

CAESARIAN SECTION – A district of Rome.

CAT SCAN – Looking for a Kitty

CAUTERIZE – Made eye contact with her.

COLIC – A sheepdog of some sort.

COMA – punctuation mark.

DILATE - To live a long time.

ENEMA - Not a friend (in more ways than one!!!!!)

FESTER - Quicker than somebody else.

FIBULA - A small lie.

GENITAL - A non-Jewish person.

GLUTEUS MAXIMUS – A Roman Emperor

HANGNAIL - Where you put your coat.

IMPOTENT - Distinguished, respected, well known.

LABOUR PAIN - Getting hurt at work.

MEDICAL STAFF - A Doctor’s stick.

MORBID - A higher offer than I bid.

NITRATES - Costs more than day rates.

NODE - I knew it.

OUTPATIENT - A person who has fainted.

PAP SMEAR - A fatherhood test.

PELVIS - Elvis’s second cousin.

POST - OPERATVE – A letter carrier.

RECOVERY ROOM - A place to do upholstery.

RECTUM - Damn near destroyed them!

SECRETION - Hiding something.

SEIZURE - Another Roman Emperor.

TABLET - A small table.

TERMINAL ILLNESS - Being sick at Stansted Airport.

TUMOUR – More than one.

URINE – Opposite of “You’re out!”

VARICOSE – Not far away.

..............................................................................................................................

Hi everyone. In response to a few PMs sent, the cold is better and I'll be back on Monday. Until then...

The only David Beckham jokes I know

1) David & Posh go to New York

David & Posh have had a long weekend in New York, and on their return, they take a taxi from Heathrow to Beckingham Palace in Essex. While driving them back, the taxi-driver, who has recognised his passengers, engages them in polite conversation (which is a struggle, as he is an Spurs fan).
“So, Mr Beckham, did you enjoy your week-end in America?”
“Oh, yeah, it was great.”
“What did you do when you were there?” asked the taxi driver.
“Well, we saw the sights, the Statue of Liberty, did some shopping on 5th Avenue, and had a meal in a wonderful restaurant.”
“Oh, yeah?” said the taxi driver, ”What was it called?”
“Oh, er…….” and he paused in deep thought. “What’s the name of that London Railway Station?”
“Paddington”, replied the driver.
“No, no, what’s another one?”
“Waterloo”, said the driver.
“No, no, what’s another one?”
“Victoria”, responded the driver.
“THAT’S IT! Victoria, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to?”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2) David and his jig-saw

It was a typical late Saturday afternoon at Old Trafford. Manchester United had just inflicted a decisive 1 – 0 defeat on Derby County, and the players trooped off the field into the dressing room. Before he reached the showers, Alex Ferguson collared David Beckham and ushered him into his office.
“We may have won today, but you weren’t your usual self, were you?” asserted Sir Alex.
“What do you mean boss?” queried Mr. Posh.
“Well, your passing was at its usual high standard, you ran rings around their left-back, and your free-kicks were their usual pin-point accurate, but your mind appeared to be elsewhere. Are there any problems here? Salary not high enough?”
“No, no,” said David. “Everything here is fine”.
“Any problems at home? Brooklyn OK, Posh’s pregnancy progressing alright?”
“No, everything at home’s fine, but I do have one little thing that is bothering me.”
“What’s that?” asked Sir Alex.
“Well, I’m doing a jigsaw at home. It’s brilliant. It’s a big beautiful tiger, but I can’t get going with it, and it’s driving me mad.”
“OK” said Alex, “bring it here on Monday, and I’ll help you.”
So, on Monday, David comes in with the jigsaw still in its box, and he presents it to Sir Alex.
“David………it’s a packet of Frosties.”

..................................................................................................................................

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because......

1) Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint that was promptly chewed and licked.

2) We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

3) When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.

4) As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the front passenger seat was a treat.

5) We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle – it tasted the same.

6) We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

7) We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.

8) We would spend hours building go-carts out of scrap and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

9) After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

10) We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

11) We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes - no video games at all; no 99 channels on the TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went outside and found them.

12) We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.

13) We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.

14) We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.

15) We walked to friend's homes.

16) We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

17) We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

18) Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, allegedly for our own good.

(If you aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us).

..................................................................................................................................

These are the results of the Darwin Awards for 2003. For the newbies amongst us, the Darwin Awards are given to those people who improve the mentality of the Human Race by killing themselves in a manner dictated by their stupidity. They also haven’t participated in the production of any offspring, so their stupidity has not been passed down in their DNA. The 2003 winner is:

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...

And now, the honourable mentions:

1. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

2. A man who shovelled snow for over an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

3. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

4. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

5. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K (a bank?), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cashdrawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from he clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

6. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F#CK UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a F#ck-up!"

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for an ID parade. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near some spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and put his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Although not from last year, the best Darwin’s I know are:-

A. A 9-year boy tried to steal a can of coke from a coke machine outside a K-Mart supermarket by shoving his hand into and up the dispensing hole. The entire machine fell on him and killed him. What was amazing was that the boy’s parents took K-Mart AND the Coca-Cola company to court for damages – AND THE PARENTS WON!

B. I don’t remember where this happened, but an inventor tried a new method of transport across the English Channel by strapping a small rocket to his back. He set it off and fired himself into the adjoining cliff.

C. A resident of Los Angeles wanted to know what was in his next-door neighbour’s garden, but couldn’t, due to the high dividing wall. So he purchased 4 weather balloons and tied them to a deck chair. Instead of rising to an altitude of 15 feet, which was his intention, he sailed up to about 15,000 feet, getting in the way of aircraft coming into Los Angeles International Airport. He died of hypothermia or a lack of oxygen in the rarefied atmosphere.

Have a good weekend. See you Monday
NH