EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.



Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year." Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.

I enjoyed a good old chuckle at some of those, Robert.

But perhaps the Rest of the World needs to be aware that, in the miserable hole that Modern Britain has become, if some of that were to be uttered in public, you could be "disciplined", fired from your job, or even prosecuted in law. Yes, that is a sad state of affairs, and an indication of how low we have sunk.

Merry England? Well, it was ... once.

I did not mean any offence it is just that I was sent these and had a good laugh so I though I would pass it on.

But one does have to be careful about what one posts publically hence the anonymisation of my profile.

RoJo

No need to excuse yourself as far as I'm concerned, Robert.

I only made my remarks to advise the Rest of the World of the sad state of affairs here in PCUK.

Frankly I couldn't give a damn about "offending" folk, myself. After all, it's almost impossible to avoid these days. Do we have free speech in this country*, or not?

Anyway, here's another one for you (that I may have used before):-

Qui s'excuse, s'accuse!

* Answer:- No, we don't.

well, I thought they were funny

I think you'll find that unless the joke was grossly offensive or of an indecent, obscene, or menacing character, Robert was very funnily exercising his right to freedom of expression under the human rights act! Any way here's one I received.

I hear you can now insure your sex life - but depending on your life style you have to use the correct insurer!

Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust
Sex with your secretary - Employers Liability
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go
Sex with your boyfriend - Standard Life
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Sex with some one different - Go Compare.com
Sex with an animal - Compare the Meerkat.com
Sex with a fat bird - More Than
Sex on the back seat - Sheila's Wheels
Sex with an o.a.p - Saga
Sex with a posh bird - Privilege.com
Sex with a sheep - Farmers Union

Lets keep these jokes rolling - it is either laugh or cry.

He said to me . ... ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?



He said to me ... . ........... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart



He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ... ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!



He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.




He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .... .. I don't know; it has never happened.




He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.



He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .... . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed….Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.




SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Unfortunately, the only jokes I have could lead to people being sacked so I had better not join in at this time!

The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for 2011.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.
Since then the Vasectomy surgeons have expressed concerns that the cuts would affect men in a very sensitive area - but the other surgeons thought they were talking [censored]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,

I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was
a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen
donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Politician was very happy and left the
shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON! THEY GET FULL OF SH*T.