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Joined: Jul 2002
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Hero
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Hero
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 2,020
Huw,
I have seen them but it was this one I did not get.
Robert


My spelling is not bad. I am typing this on a Medigenic keyboard and I blame that for all my typos.
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 2,408
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Huw Offline OP
Hero
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Hero
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 2,408
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Ooops sorry blush

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 186
Mentor
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Mentor
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Posts: 186
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


I love deadlines, I like the wooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 59
Scholar
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Scholar
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Posts: 59
Did you mean the first one or the second, Robert? (for #1, the point is "hand in the sack" and for #2 it is supposed Bell, the first phone inventor, at that moment - he's screwing the last screw and chuck's message appears on the display...oh, you're right, Robert - Bell's phone had no display.)
Here, in czech republic, there are chuck norris jokes very popular among youth...


Skydiver Felix Baumgartner maked the highest skydive ever Oct. 14, 2012. The height was 39km and it was the world record. Chuck Norris jumped there...


Chuck Norris knows how to join USA to USB.

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
Philosopher
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Philosopher
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
The Loving Husband


A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No ..... ," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible ...... !" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final,
the biggest sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ........ ?

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married .... .....

"Oh . . ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat .... ?"

The man shakes his head .. .. .,
"No ...... . They're all at the funeral."


Lee


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 2,020
Hero
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Hero
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Posts: 2,020
Here is one to save up for the little ones this festive season.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep pan, crisp and even.


My spelling is not bad. I am typing this on a Medigenic keyboard and I blame that for all my typos.
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 601
Philosopher
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Philosopher
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Posts: 601
On the subject of Pizza. Do you know how it got its name?
Take a disc of radius z, build it up to a height of a and work out the volume smilewink

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 306
Master
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Master
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Posts: 306
IRISH DIESEL FITTER


Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.


The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

Joined: Jul 2002
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Hero
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Hero
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Posts: 2,020
Right here goes:






I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’

Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday.

I’ve got some Tesco burgers in the fridge. But?.?.?.?THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.

Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.’
Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’

I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content.

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.

A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps.
‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’
‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’
‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’

They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.

A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’
‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.
‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’

I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.

Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.
Tesco won by a short head.

I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.

Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.

I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.

Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?

I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.

Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’

Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.

I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger.

Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’.

Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’

What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.



I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years.

I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.

I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price.

So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.

Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.

Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.


My spelling is not bad. I am typing this on a Medigenic keyboard and I blame that for all my typos.
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 14,465
Likes: 36
Super Hero
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Super Hero
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Posts: 14,465
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There are some good ones there, Robert!

But (in reality) I have found that in my own local Tesco's, the staff (who are usually jolly enough) are growing a bit tired of it all now. I think it's a safe bet that they have been told* to down-play the whole thing, in the hope that everyone will forget about it. smile

Meanwhile, my "contact" there reckons that they've trotted out (neck and neck?) to the bins with £ thousands worth of "product". Unnecessarily, in my opinion - after all, they could have just bunged them on the "Reductions Shelves" ("priced to sell", of course)! But I guess they just didn't want to be saddled with any more complaints. whistle

Personally, I'm more concerned about the rest of the rubbish that makes up the so-called "beef" burgers. You know, all the "E-numbers" and other chemicals (usually with long, unpronounceable names)! frown

* Under Starter's Orders?

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