Mick and Paddy are standing on top of a cliff. Mick has a budgie on his shoulder and Paddy has a parrot on his. Mick jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and Mick continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap. Paddy then jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but Paddy quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. He then lands in a similar heap beside his friend. Mick looks up and says, "Bejaysus, that budgie jumping isn't any fun". Paddy replies, "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either" .................................................................
An Englishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Englishman politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You English folk eat the whole bread?" The Englishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ". The American had a smirk on his face. The Englishman listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Englishman replied "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to England." The Englishman then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Englishman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away of course." Now it was the Englishman's turn to smile. "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
A man goes to see a doctor, who is an eye specialist. He walks in to see him carrying a violin case under his arm. “What can I do for you?” asks the doctor. “I’d like you to take a look at this”, the man says. He opens the case to reveal the biggest, smelliest turd the doctor has ever laid eyes on. “I passed that!” the guy tells the doctor. “Right……well…….err…….shouldn’t you be going to see your normal doctor about that?” asks the doctor. “After all, I am an eye specialist and I don’t see how I can help you with that!” the doctor goes on. “No you don’t understand,” says the man, “every time I pass one of those, it hurts so bad it makes my eyes water!!”
I went to the chemist’s yesterday, and asked him “Have you got any cotton wool balls?” to which he replied, “What do you think I am, a bloody Teddy Bear?”
(and no-one mentioned Mohammed once!!!)
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
