Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car...Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed services. He ordered that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers, who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster, walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first brother and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in, NOW! Get all the paper work done – the lot – everything. Do it!" The aide hustles the first brother off. The general looks at the second brother and asked, "What skills could you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. What do you do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Shee-it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Jennifer.” After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Jennifer is actually your half- sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this." William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"
George W. Bush and Gordon Brown are sitting in a pub, having a pint. A bloke walks in and says to the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Brown sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the bloke walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?" Brown says, "We're planning WW III ". The bloke says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Brown says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits.” The bloke exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits? Brown turns to Bush, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart arse, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Two friends, Bubba and Billy-Joe, rented a boat and went fishing in the bayou. The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to return to the shore, Bubba said to Billy-Joe, "Let's mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, Bubba said, "Did you mark that spot?” "Yeah,” replied Billy-Joe, “I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." "That was dumb!” said Bubba, “What if we don't get the same boat today?"
An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends. During their first intercourse, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died. "[censored]," said the ant. "Five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave."
A young couple were on their honeymoon and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb. The next day, the wife had a backache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her. "How old are you my dear?" the doctor asked. "I’m 22," replied the wife, "why?" The doctor replied, "Because it says on your #rse that you were born in 1755."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
