Hello everybod peeps. Naitch is not at work today, as he has a hacking cough, a sore throat and his nose/lungs are churning out more toxic waste than Sellafield. So, he's doing this from home, where he has more written jokes there than at work, such as...
A Doctor claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their sigmoidoscopies (In other words, he inserted an optical device up their back passages in order to examine the prostate, or anything else of interest):
1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Lord Lucan yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in some parts of Somerset, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how Sooty feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"
And the best one of them all..........
13. "Could you write a note for my boss saying that my head is, in fact, not up there?"
Q: How many men does it take to open a can of beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: It’s just one of those genetic things that enable a woman to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A: When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…..”
Q: How do you repair a lady’s watch? A: You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven.
Q: Why do men fart more than women? A: Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? A: Nothing. You’ve always told her twice.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A: The dog of course. It’ll shut up once you let it in.
Q: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A: A woman who won’t do as she’s told.
S: I married Miss Right. I didn’t know her Christian name was Always.
S: I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.
S: Scientists have discovered a foodstuff that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 95%. Its called Wedding Cake.
S: Marriage is a 3-ring circus. Engagement ring, Wedding ring and Suffering.
S: OK, I admit it. The fight I had last night was partly my fault. She asked what was on the telly, and I said “Dust”.
S: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Q: Why do men die before their wives? A: Because they want to.
J: A beggar approaches a well-dressed woman in Chelsea and said “I haven’t eaten anything for four days”. She looked at him and replied “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Son: “Is it true Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.” Dad: “That happens in every country, son”
J: A man put an advert in the Edinburgh Evening News: “Wife wanted”. The next day he got 3,500 letters all saying the same thing: “You can have mine”
S: The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it, but it’ll happen only once.
S: Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on turning out the lights. After 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous, and would try and break this habit. So, one night while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming session, she turned on the light. She looked down…………and saw her husband was holding a battery powered pleasure device….a vibrator….. soft…… wonderful…… and larger than the real thing. She goes ballistic. “YOU IMPOTENT [censored]!!” she screams at him. “How could you deceive me after all these years? You’d better have an explanation that’s phenomenal!” Her husband looks straight into her eyes and says calmly “I’ll explain the toy……if you explain the kids….”
1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for distribution. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2. Wee Davie reckons he’ll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he’ll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he’d stayed single?
3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they’re winning and every 15 minutes when they’re losing. How many times did they sing it at last season’s Cup Final?
4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock – and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?
5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers’ Brief?
1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?
2. Half of Peter’s friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown’s flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair’s dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?
3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?
4. Tamsin’s Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin’s Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?
5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
1. After Hector’s death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?
2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?
3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?
4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?
5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge – Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!
