Once upon a time, a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Jaysus, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. “Hey," he called, "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory! And I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they replied. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field over there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." He couldn't resist this, so he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots ever. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "Right, what else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and whispered softly, "There's one other thing you must try. You see them rabbits over there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're lady rabbits. We sh#g them. Go and give it a go." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning sh#gging his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the lads. "That was utterly incredible," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I’ve had a really great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm simply dying for a smoke."
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing nappies. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next nappy. I meant the next baby!"
Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to the local hospital. The on-duty surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got the job done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam, "that surgeon does excellent work" A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the football pitch." Sam went to the football pitch and there was John, kicking 25-yard goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing" A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, John suffocated in that plastic bag!"
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. It’s disgusting. Where did you hear it?" "My daddy said it," Johnny responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means." "Yes I do." Johnny corrected. "It means the car won't start."
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honour," Dan started, "every once in a while, my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor,” Dan replied. “That's why I want the divorce."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
