A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doctor, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well", said the man, “I'm 35 years old and I have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend,” reassured the doctor, “this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "Oh, it worked alright,” said the man. “For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So,” asked the doctor, quizzically, “what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied "but the wife does."
A man got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local bar. He made such a racket slamming into the furniture as he weaved through the house, he woke his wife upstairs in the bedroom. "What the hell are you doing down there?" she screamed down the stairs. "Get your #rse up here to bed before you wake up the neighbours!" "I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs!" he yelled back. "Leave it until the morning!" "I can't," he yelled, "I drank it!"
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the bloke was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old bloke said, "I'm a haggis hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing haggis’s up and down the glens." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?" The old bloke said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old bloke said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he hunted haggis with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a haggis hunter." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?" The old bloke said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? How old is he?" The old bloke said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went haggis hunting with you this morning too?" The old bloke said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, “GOT MARRIED???” Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old bloke said, "Who said he wanted to?"
A guy goes for his annual check-up and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results. "Well," says the doctor, "You're in pretty good health, however I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you." "OK, let me have the good news first," requests the guy. "You're penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical." "GREAT!" exclaims the guy, "but what's the BAD news?" The doctor replies, "It's malignant!"
Frank and Lisa went out to a restaurant. Both of them ordered the chicken gujons for dinner. When they arrived, Lisa stopped the waitress. "Just a minute! Why do I have only 4 pieces when my husband Frank has 5?" The waitress told them the dinners were by weight. "Weight??? Nobody weighed us when we came in!"
A little girl runs into her house, tears running down her face She races up to her mother and says, "Mummy, Mummy, can I have a glass of cider?" "Why on earth do you want cider?" asks her concerned yet confused mother. "To take the pain away," sobs the little girl Obviously the mother refuses, but the girl keeps on crying and eventually her mother pours her a glass of cider in an attempt to shut her up The little girl grabs the glass and immediately puts her hand into it. "It doesn't work," screams the little girl "What do you mean?" asks her mother "Well," sniffs the little girl, "I overheard the big girl next door say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she has to get it in cider!"
Shortly after the baby was born, the panicking Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "That’s not possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian." "OK, then," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year or so. We only made love about once or twice a month." "Well, there you have it," the doctor said confidently, "it's just rust!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
