Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night, depending when you're reading this. To continue...
When little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
Solly needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm - Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?" The man says, "No, he's out playing golf." Solly says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz. "He's not with the firm any more, he's retired." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's away in Manchester, and he won't be back for a month." "Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz." He says, "Speaking!"
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it, then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the Town Square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer." "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year now. You started off in the mailroom. One week later, you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said Rob. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "You’re quite right," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Robson and Jerome. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Jerome, leaning over a rubbish bin. His trousers are down to his ankles, and Robson is banging away from behind. Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?" Robson says, "Jerome passed out from smoke inhalation." The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" Robson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."
Jill: “I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.” Mary: “Tell me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!” Jill: “Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?” Mary: “I thought I asked legitimate questions, like, ‘Why did you hit the ball into that lake?’"
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the lady teacher on the first day of the new school year. "He's a magician, Miss,” said the new boy. "How interesting. What's his favourite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters.
The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The groom approached the desk and asked for the best room available for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal. "No,” the groom replied, “I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
