Count Dracula walked into a pub. He slid up to the bar and whispered in his deep and croaking voice “I’d like a pint of water, please.” “Pardon?” said a disbelieving barman. “I’d like a pint of water, please,” repeated the Count. “Come off it, pal!” retorted the barman. “You are Count Dracula. You don’t drink water.” “Nevertheless,” said the Count, with a mixture of exasperation and menace in his voice, “I want a pint of water.” “OK, you’re the customer,” and the barman gave him a pint of tap water. Before the barman had a chance to serve someone else, Dracula whipped out a used tampax and dunked it into his water, saying to the barman, “Have you never heard of tea-bags?”
A bloke, having a pint in his favourite pub, couldn’t help but notice a beautiful woman wearing the tightest denim jeans he had ever seen. With burning curiosity, he went over, and said, “Excuse me, miss, but I have to ask this. How on earth do you get into those jeans?” “Well,” she replied with warmth in her voice, “the first thing you do is buy me a drink...”
A young man was doing his best to get his wicked way with a young lady. “Would you make love to me if I gave you 50 pence?” he asked. “Certainly not!” snapped the young lady. “What sort of woman do you think I am?” After a pause, he asked “Would you make love to me if I gave you a million pounds?” This made the lady think. “Perhaps,” she slowly responded. “Well,” he asked,” Would you make love to me if I gave you 60 pence?” “Certainly not!” snapped the young lady. “What sort of woman do you think I am?” “Oh, I know what sort of woman you are,” he said with a hint of superiority in his voice. “All we’re doing now is haggling over the price!”
Halfway through a geography lesson, Richard put his hand up. “Please, miss. Can I go for a pee?” “I BEG YOUR PARDON??” shrieked the teacher. “Please, miss..may...I......” Richard’s voice tapered off into silence. “That is the most disgusting language I have ever heard from this class! Do you say that at home?” Richard nodded. “Well, you’re not going to say it here,” she said firmly. “In future, if you want to do...that...you ask for a number one. If you want to do the other,” (she couldn’t lower herself to say ‘poo’), “you ask for a number two. Is that clear?” “Yes, miss,” the class chorused, and Richard was allowed to go to the toilet. The lesson resumed. After about ten minutes, Margaret put her hand up. “Please, miss, can I go for a number two?” “Yes, Margaret, off you go.” After she had left the room, the teacher said, ”Now that’s the proper way to ask, isn’t it, Richard?” Richard nodded. After another fifteen minutes, Simon put his hand up. “Please, miss, can I go for a number one?” “Yes, Simon, of course you can,” and Simon rushed off. “I think you’ve all learned a new lesson, today, class.” Just then, she spotted Johnny on the back row, who is clearly in some sort of distress, with a hint of blue in the colour of his face. “Johnny, what’s the matter? Are you all right?” “Please, miss,” he said, rather tearfully, “I need to fart, but I don’t know the code!”
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
