OK, Ladies, Gentlemen, others (does that leave anyone out?), this will be my last post for a while as I'm on holiday all next week. I'll be back on the 18th, when your downloading can resume. No-one's asked for a copy of the 171 page work document that all these jokes are coming from. Frightened it'll clog up the e-mail system??? Anyway...
Bob and Jack got into Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realise it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained, “and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?” "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned bright red and he said, "Yeah, sorry mate, I'm afraid I did. How did you find out?" "She just died and left me six million quid!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky."
The psychology tutor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man at the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a football manager."
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, the regular kind," replied Tommy.
The drunk announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That sounds interesting,” said the bartender. “Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," slurred the drunk. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f#cking advice, they'd let me know
A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The barman shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the barman, and he did. "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." "Certainly." And it was done. "If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand trouser pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The barman got it. "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the gents?" "Out the door," said the barman, "turn left, walk a couple of hundred yards, and there's one in a petrol station on the corner."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
