Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free. On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior, who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "F#ck off you b#st#rds!"
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric toy train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, ‘cause this is the last stop! And all of you sods who are getting on, get your arses in the train, cause we're going....NOW!"
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage above your seat, in the luggage racks provided. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are p#ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the f#cking cow in the kitchen."
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying, "I don't know how he did it!"
Finally the doctor managed to remove the little car, and the father and son left.
A few hours later, the father came back with the same matchbox car shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "Now I know how he did it!"
A guy walks into the bar and orders a drink and the barman notices the extreme smallness of his head. He asks, "Excuse me for being nosy but why is your head so small?
The guy says, "It’s a long story. When I was in the Navy, I was looking overboard while en route to Europe and noticed a mermaid in distress.
I threw her a life buoy and pulled her up on deck. In her gratitude she granted me one wish. Well I have been out to sea for some time and I first asked her for some sex. She replied that she would love to but the bottom half of her was fish and that was highly impossible. So then I asked her for a little head.”
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
