Hi y'all. I'm still in my pit, but I am getting better. But you don't want to know that, do you? You just want more jokes, don't you? Fair enough - here they come...
This one's about hangovers. At 4.30 on a Wednesday night, the entire workshop decamp to the nearest boozer to forget about the crap day they've had. This sums up the degrees of suffering that most of us have to put up with on the following morning...
The hangover scale.......oh so very true……oh how we remember!
1 star hangover *
There’s no pain. There’s no real feeling of illness. Your slept in you own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka Red Bulls. However, you could quite happily drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger with a side order of fries.
2 star hangover * *
There’s still no pain, but something is very definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug, in order to try and remain focused, is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by, you gag because her/his perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you consumed with your semi-alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might throw up. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like road maps and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following: a) Home time, b) A Doughnut, c) Somewhere to be alone, d) A time machine, so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd like to cry, but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems a pretty good idea right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ......very gently and very quietly.
6 star hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.
Wife – “What are you doing?” Husband – “Nothing.” Wife – “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!” Husband – “Yeah, I’m looking for the expiry date.”
Wife – “Do you want dinner?” Husband – “Yes, please. What are the choices?” Wife – “Yes and no.”
Wife – “You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?” Husband – “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.” Wife – “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?” Husband – “Yes, I see your picture and ask myself, ‘what other problem can be greater than this one?’”
Girl – “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.” Boy – “That’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.” Girl – “Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.”
Son – “Mum, when I was on the bus this morning with Dad, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.” Mum – “Well, you did the right thing.” Son – “But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!”
A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father had not left me a fortune?” “Honey,” replied the woman sweetly, “I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!”
A girl said to her boyfriend, “One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.” The boy replied, “Thanks for the early warning.”
Wife – “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Husband – “Well,” he replied after he looked at her from head to toe, “I like your sense of humour.”
Bono, the singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the music industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. Whilst playing a gig in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in his thrall, he quietly spoke into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, yelled back, “Then f**kin’ stop doin’ it then!”
I have a stock of jokes that I can't put onto this site, as they would be considered offensive. The Webmaster would ban me, AND there is a strong possibility that the site would be closed down, Therefore, I will be taking the liberty of sending some of them via conventional e-mail. Even if I sent them as a PM on this site, I think I would STILL get strung up!
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
