An old man and old woman had been married for about 50 years when one day the old man died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral the old woman would show up at the grave with her dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old woman out there with her dog and decided to go talk to her. "Hello there. You know, I see you come out here every day to visit your husband's grave and I think that’s so sweet. I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your husband since you always bring it out here with you." "No,” said the old woman “actually I bring the dog out here to p#ss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure."
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist, "He can't swim."
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10-speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost £300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied, "I earned it hiking." "Bullsh#t, son," the father said "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth." the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a £20 note and tell me to take a hike!"
The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the golf club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony. He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a beautiful 300-yard drive down the middle of the fairway. When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, honey. Anywhere around there will be fine." She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole." She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap. The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there. Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's OK. I think we can do better on the next hole." She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"
William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, but he was also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?" Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
