This bloke with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is bloody good. You've graduated from the best colleges and courses. Your recommendations are great, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. But you must realise that a sales rep has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait, hold on a sec," he said. "I just have to take two aspirin, and I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and, within seconds, stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees flirting and womanising all over the country!" "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemists, winking, and asked for some aspirin?"
One day on a bus, there were two small boys and a middle aged lady. She sat reading her book but couldn't help overhearing the two small boys having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling. "It would be spelt 'W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B'," the first boy argued. "No it’s not! It's spelt 'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'," retorted the other. The lady leaned over unable to keep to herself and said, "Excuse me boys, but I think you'll find the word is spelled 'W-O-M-B'." The first little boy looked at the other, and then back at the lady, and replied, "You know lady, I very much doubt you've never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone ever heard one fart underwater!"
An old couple married for 50+ years hadn't had sex in a very long time and the wife was getting very frustrated. One night when the old man was sitting on the couch watching the game she went into the bedroom and took of all her clothes except for a red towel that she put around her neck like a cape. She then leapt into the living room exclaiming, “IT'S SUPERPUSSY!!!!!!!!!!" The old man replied, "OK, I'll take the soup."
A guy, with a very black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh, and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately the guy sitting next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?" Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge breasts was there, so instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I said 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh', and she hauled off and hit me in the eye." First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister accident too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the box of Cornflakes', but I accidentally said 'You've ruined my whole life you stupid, ugly bitch.'"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
