A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He doesn't have to run - he got four balls." The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, Leon, gave me £15,000. And you, Carter, gave me £10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Leon. "Now, I'm returning £5,000 to you. That means we can decide this case solely on its merits!"
In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?" Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study. The day passed, it was getting late in the evening and the monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he thought he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" he called. The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time. "Oh, f#cking hell," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate', not ‘celibate’!"
A drunk is sitting on the pavement outside a pub. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's OK. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!" whereupon, they enter the bar. The barman looks up and yells, "Jesus Christ! You again?"
This bloke went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the bloke senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, "F#ck you". This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a banana. Putting the banana in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the ape family were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, the bloke picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the banana out of his pants, and chopped it up. The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eylid...
George W. Bush, distraught and contemplating starting a new war, was walking through Washington, looking for any kind of guidance. He walks to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "President Washington, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice came down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START AGAIN FROM SCRATCH!" Bush, amazed that he is talking to a past President, thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to one of its great early philosophers and the author of the Declaration of Independence. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally the people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, IT'S NOT WORKING. ABOLISH IT AND START AGAIN!" After hearing this, Bush is so excited that he decides to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next, he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help. People are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?" After a substantial pause Abraham Lincoln responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF AND GO TO THE THEATRE."
A fairly attractive waitress serves a man in a cafe. "Yes, sir, what can I get you?" "Well," said the man, "I'd like a quickie", at which point, the waitress turned bright red and hurried back to the kitchen. Shortly after, she returned with the cafe owner, who tapped the man on the shoulder. "I understand you offended this waitress!" said the owner. "No, I didn't,” said the customer, “I just asked her for this," and pointed to the menu. The owner looked over the customer’s shoulder, then rather sheepishly looked at the man and the waitress and said, "That's Quiche. It's pronounced keesh, not quickie!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
