One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut landed in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then stuffed two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut shot out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man modestly insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was out of earshot, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found one lone cashier trying to balance his books. After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard the cashier making noises through his gag. Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say, "For Christ’s sake, take my balance sheet too," he gasped, "I'm short 70 quid, and I don’t know where it’s gone!"
A young lad was bragging in the school playground to his friends that his brother could play the piano by ear. "That's nothing," said one boy "My brother fiddles with his willy!"
A man rushes home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers came up!” "Oh wonderful,” she said, “shall I pack my bags for the big city or the beach?" "I don't care,” he replied, “just sod off out of my life!"
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled; "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class!”
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its beak and the egg is frowning and looking more than a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
A missionary, who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient, gets the word that he is to return home. He realises that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of some heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowpipe and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague at the hospital on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth player for the darts team. Doctor Thompson had to pull out," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
While waiting in line at the bank with a friend, he started to develop a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the cashier's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The cashier took my friend's cheque and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his cheque. "Why not?" my friend asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of £5000." "That’s impossible!" he cried. "You have got to be bloody joking!" "Yes, you’re right, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups have gone!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
