The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Mr. Todd! Are you entertaining in there?" From behind the door, Todd answered, "Just a second I'll ask her!"
"My god! What happened to you?" the barman asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barman said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "Aye... that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?" "Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but no bloody use in a fight!"
The barman asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A Glenfiddich, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be two pounds," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A solicitor, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the barman, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The barman was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same bloke walks into the bar. The barman says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The bloke says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The barman replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the bloke replies, "Thanks very much. I’ll have a Glenfiddich."
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the Big pill with a big glass of water when you get up take the little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?" The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman said, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgae, there's a better one. At MacDougall's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougall himself will buy yir third drink!" The others agreed that sounded like a good place. Then the Italian said, "Yeah, zat's-a nice bar, but where I-a come from, zere's a better one. In a-Roma, zere's this a-place, called Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo he a-buys you anudda drink." Everyone agreed that sounded like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den dey take you out back and get you laid!" "Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," said the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
