A man named Jed has a job that subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs. Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor. During his interview, the doctor asks him to account for his activity the previous night. Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his mates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home. The doctor asked, "Then what happened?" Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her. "Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor. "Sure I did," answered Jed. "Why, what's the matter? "Well," said the doctor, "that's why you tested positive. That was a bar bitch you ate."
A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father. "Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl. "You lost your VIRGINITY!?!? When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father. "I don't remember," says the girl. "I was p#ssed at the time."
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? ROME!!??!?!??" Why would anyone want to go THERE? It's crowded and dirty and FULL of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. How're you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a TERRIBLE airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..." "Don't go any further. I KNOW that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a DUMP, the WORST hotel in Rome! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. Whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ANT!!! Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman came in again for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "Oh, it was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were fantastic, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $5-million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really,” said the hairdresser, ”What'd he say?" "He said: 'Where'd you get that crap hairdo?'"
A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara by camel. On the 3rd day, a storm whips up and they take shelter. When the storm dies down, the camel has died. "Well, Sister, this looks grim,” says the priest. "We can't survive 2 days out here, and we're a week from the nearest camp. Since we're unlikely to live, would you do something for me? I've never seen a woman’s breasts, Sister. Could I see yours?" The nun, a bit shocked, replies "Under the circumstances, I can't see any harm". So she gets them out. Then the priest says "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" Again, she consents. After a few minutes, the nun asks, "Father, could I ask something of you? I've never seen a mans "thingy." Could I see yours?" "Ok" says the priest. When she examined the priest’s organ she asks, "Can I touch it?" The priest agrees. After a couple of minutes of her attention, he's got a huge stiffy, and the priest whispers "Sister, did you know that if I insert my penis into the right place it can give life?" "Is that really true?" asks the nun "Yes" the priest replies. "Well stick it up that camels #rse, then we can get out of here!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
