A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked an assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, madam. They're dead."
A fresh intake arrived at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter handed them over to God. God addressed them. “Men”, he said, “what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. You,” he said, pointing to one of the newcomers, “what’s your story?” “Please God,” wailed the first man, “I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.” “I am ashamed of you,” said God. “For that, I give you a run-down Ford Cortina that barely moves.” He turned to the second man. “Dear God,” said the second man, “please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took a wrong turn. Please forgive me! “Yes, my man,” said God, “I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder. I will give you a convertible BMW.” He gestured to the third man. “Dear God,” said the third man, “you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses every day after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...” “Okay, okay, okay, I get the picture. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!” Two weeks later, the first two men are driving along the celestial motorway when they see the third man ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Rolls Royce, in obvious distress. One of the men approached and asked “Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful b#gger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! The third man sobbed, "I just saw my wife on roller-skates!"
Two guys from Manchester die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoodies warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?" They reply, "'Well, we're from Manchester, pal, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out". The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoodies. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again they reply, "Well, like we told you, we're from Manchester and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little." This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Mancunians in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two lads reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Manchester. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice." The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two blokes back in their anoraks and hoodies - but now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men! The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?" The Mancunians look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Manchester City have won the Premiership!"
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A pretty young nurse arrived, to wash his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet" He struggled again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulled back the covers, raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and took a close look, and said, "There's nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulled off his oxygen mask and said, "That was very nice but, are...my...test... results... back?”
A man decided to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35, " was the reply. "I'm actually 47, " the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I’m 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You’re 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the queue in McDonald's.”
A mummy mole, a daddy mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said, "Yummy! I smell maple syrup!" The mummy mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said, "Yummy! I smell honey!" The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't, because the bigger moles were in the way, so he said, "Jesus, all I can smell is molasses!”
Nokia have just brought out a new mobile called the 'Joey Barton'. It's big, ugly, has very little memory and it takes three months to charge the f#cking thing.
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
