A BRILLIANT ONE KWACKER! One or two I've heard before, but funny nonetheless. Let's see if I can do better...
A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one day. They come to a busy junction, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the road, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the pavement on the other side of the road, whereupon the blind man pulls a biscuit out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a biscuit? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick its f#cking #rse." (Editor's note: Yeah, it's an old one, but still a good 'un!)
A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" "Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the cheque bounced."
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, man. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my rucksack."
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject for the day was involuntary muscle spasm. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked one of the women: "Do you know what your #rsehole does when you're having an orgasm?" "Sure" she said. "He's at home, looking after the kids"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive.
A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out. "What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant. "I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively. "Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now, what's mummy like?" "Big men and vodka," sobs the little fella.
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange habits. "All day long she lies in bed, eats yeast and sniffs furniture polish. What will happen to her?" “Eventually", said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
Three kids are playing in the street and get hit by a lorry. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die - you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be." The first kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" And so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Old Bailey. The second kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon." And so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy sod". 20 years later, he's playing in goal for Scotland...
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
