OK fellow EBMErs and EBMEsses (have I left anyone out?), this will be my last set of jokes for a week, as I'm on holiday as from lunch-time today. Normal service will resume next Tuesday (25th March). Das Vwydanya!
This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for myself, a rum and coke for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat.” The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway. Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A rum and coke for myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat." The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks. This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately buying rounds of drinks, but the cat keeps his hands (paws?) in his pockets. By the end of the evening the barman asks the man, "Look, what’s the story? I’ve got to know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never buys a round?" "Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came out and said, ‘Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'” "So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at his bedside. "I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have £90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with £30,000 within." The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed £10,000 for the new church, so I only threw in £20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed £20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in £10,000." The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal cheque for the full amount."
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an aeroplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow drops big patties and the horse expels clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh#t?"
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and slightly alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this fax, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight -Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
A teacher was working with a group of children trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavours than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "it's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
