Sorry I'm late today, but the A&E defibs don't test themselves!!
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. Nearly all of his crops had been lost, but, fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing a generous quantity of her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches." So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer whimpered "Lady, worms ruined my tomato crop, weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches.”
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother on the telephone. "Well," said her mother, “how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come and get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME, GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook....”
A father and his son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Golf Club. He went to the club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with, as they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant professional said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only problem I have is getting out of sand traps." He did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for his par. The old man, too, had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money! The pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was standing. "Nice shot,” he said. “I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps? " "I do,” replied the octogenarian, “Would you please give me a hand."
It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?" Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for £200, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for £200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for £200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them and I’ve barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
This'll be the last for a week, cos I'm on holiday - 3 nights in Paris, then 3 nights in London.
See Ya!
Naitch
Last edited by Naitch; 23/05/082:38 PM. Reason: Cos Naitch is a forgetful pillock!!!
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
