A Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'" "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late...doing what?" he asked. "Getting a second opinion!"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" despite her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six'?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It read, "It's 5:00 am, wake up."
Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week." "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
