MI5 had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing, there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances are. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife," The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for the job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You b#stards didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
I recently bought myself the latest in voice controlled car stereo radios. You say "soul" to it, and it plays a Marvin Gaye song. You say "rock", and it plays a Deep Purple standard. You say "church", it plays something by The Edwin Hawkins Singers. Yesterday, some children ran in front of my car without looking, and I shouted "F#cking Kids!" The radio played “Bad” by Michael Jackson.
Murphy owned a factory that made nails, He decided to give his business a boost, so he called in an advertising agency to make an advert for TV. Three weeks later the agency rang saying his new advert would get its first showing on the following Wednesday night during NYPD Blue. Murphy invited all his friends and relations round to his house to see the advert. When it came on, there was an air of expectancy as the camera zoomed in on a grassy field with lovely background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side of the hill, At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of what appeared to be a wooden post. It slowly moved up the post to reveal Jesus on the cross, It moved out to his hands to show the nails driven through. A voice then said "Always use Murphy’s nails". Murphy and all his friends were appalled. Next day, all the newspapers and media chat shows where discussing the tasteless and irrelevant advert for Murphy’s nails. Murphy became the most hated man in the country and business slumped. Furious, Murphy rang the advertising company and demanded that they change the advert. Three weeks later, they rang to say there would be a new advert the following night. Murphy got all his friends round again, The advert came on as before as the camera focused on the grass, with exactly the same background music. "Oh sh#t, now I’m well and truly f#cked!" says Murphy. The camera went up the hill and came to the cross, but this time there was no one on it, The camera looked off into the distance and there was Jesus legging it across the fields! A voice rang out "They should have used Murphy’s nails!"
The teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Mary says: "My Daddy’s a solicitor. He puts the bad people into prison." Jack says: "My Dad’s a doctor. He makes poorly people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your daddy do?" "My Dad’s dead," said Johnny. "I'm sorry to hear that,” said the teacher, “but what did he do before he died?" “Well,” said Johnny”, "he turned blue and cr#pped on the living room carpet."
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed some money down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman threw it down her throat. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It was a beautiful day and love was definitely in the air. Marie leant over to Pierre and said, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabbed a bottle of Merlot and splashed it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" said the startled Marie. "I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiled and they started to kiss. When things heated up a little, Marie said, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tore her blouse open, grabbed a bottle of Chardonnay and poured it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asked the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steamed up. Marie leant close to his ear and whispered, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero ripped off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and poured it in her lap. He struck a match and set it on fire. Marie shrieked and dived into the river to put the fire out. Standing waist deep, she threw her arms upwards and screamed furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?" Our hero stood up, defiantly, and said, "I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
