Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith "Well,” said the receptionist, “one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible!” said Mr. Smith. “Can we do the tests again? "Normally, yes,“ said the Receptionist, “but you’re in the NHS, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" moaned Mr. Smith The receptionist said "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
"The thrill’s gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried it - it doesn’t work."
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?" Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the milkman say to Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!’ "
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farm came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Cocoa, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative but very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around for a while, he decided that the Nissan 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a nominal fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets p#ssed off with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gone down there; send him up here. – NOW!" “Get stuffed,” said Satan, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day, he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home. The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it. After about 30 seconds, he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks at her in confusion and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell. She says, "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder - I can't wipe my bum."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
