Ray had just reached his 175th birthday last week. Surrounded by reporters, he was asked by one of them, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 175?" Ray answered, "That’s easy. I just never argue with anyone." The reporter shot back, "That's crazy. It had to be something else - diet, meditation or something like that. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 175 years!" The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds then he shrugged his shoulders. "Hmmm. Maybe you're right."
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows mating. The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing, darling?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" "Oh, I see!" she replies, while trying to hide her knowing expression. After a couple more hours of driving they pass two horses mating. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, darling?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" "Oh, I see!" she replies. Finally, they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each other’s body. The bride discovers her husband’s privates. "What is that?" she asks. "That's my rope," he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks. "They're my knots," he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "but I need more rope. Undo those knots!"
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "No, they’re too loose." The man then said, "OK, don’t worry. I’ve got another pair - try your luck with these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Now they’re too tight." The man was not taken back at all. "Don’t panic. I’ve got one more pair. Try them." "They fit perfectly," the speaker said, with great relief. With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. I've been looking for a good dentist for ages. Where’s your surgery? " The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
My great-uncle was a circus ringmaster. A lorry carrying the world’s fattest man, the lobster boy and the bearded lady ran over him. It was a freak accident.
Our Dad says kids today are very different, and much more biased than when he was a kid. For example, when he takes them to the store, they say, "Bias this" and "Bias that."
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." Without waiting for an answer, she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of knickers!” The dice stop rolling and come to a standstill. "YES...YES... I WIN!" she screamed at the top of her voice. With that she picks up all the money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no cock and he wants eggs and chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a cock. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great cock, called Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got. No problem." Well, Randy the cock costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the cock a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service, you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. WHOOSH - he nails every hen on there three or four times each and the farmer is amazed. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHOOSH - he gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is leaping on the bones of every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is a bit worried that his expensive cock won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy lying on his back in the middle of the yard with his feet pointing skyward. The vultures are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and says, "B#gger off, will you. They're getting closer, and you’ll scare them off!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
