An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it! Be strong. I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half-naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There’s no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, and never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. "No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of coffee." "I'll have a coffee too," Bill said, "and please make sure the cup is clean." The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and says "Then you must be....?" "Yes,” replied Brother Michael, somewhat sheepishly, “I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
