Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Romford, Essex. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the hell's goin' on up here? We're havin' a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Two Sailors boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Sailors. The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Sailor in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Sailors picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Sailor said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Sailor picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*ssing in cokes?"
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
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A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh God, this is so bad, it's brilliant)........................A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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And finally (you'll be glad to hear)... there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
