Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the kids picked me up in the terminal. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting, area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got good news!" I waved back and said excitedly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted through the crowd.
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I have not, Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "are you sure this is where he fell in?"
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" Her: "No way. It's just too risky!" Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?" Her: "No, no. I just can't" Him: "I beg you ... " The light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. If not, I’ll do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for Christ's sake tell him to take his elbow off the intercom button"
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they want. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland". George says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One". The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!! " The third kid says, "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out that I saved your ass from drowning!!!"
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's off licence. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a litre of the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was smashed. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the pavement. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! The shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me like this, she's gonna sh*t herself!"
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
This chap tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off. Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery. "Oh good," the man responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?" "Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful." "I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
