As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods. They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all. "Damn!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best." But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green." The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot. A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building. As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..." "No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a seven."
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns to dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
There's a rumour doing the rounds that says that the Queen is going to skip Prince Charles and give the crown to Prince William instead, when she dies. Would that be a coronary bypass?
One dismal, rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Central Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"
One day, a GP, a junior doctor (one of them intern people), a surgeon and a pathologist are out duck hunting near Mullingar. First up is the local GP. He raises his gun to take aim at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck." BANG! He bags himself a duck. The young intern then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of birds flying overhead. He says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus duck, likely." BANG! He, too, bags himself a duck. A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and raises his gun at the flock. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! He fires multiple rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around. The surgeon lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says, "Tell me if this is a duck."
Jim returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed. "All right," Jim shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!" A muffled voice came from under the bed said, "Havana."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
