Hi everyone. In response to a few PMs sent, the cold is better and I'll be back on Monday. Until then...
The only David Beckham jokes I know
1) David & Posh go to New York
David & Posh have had a long weekend in New York, and on their return, they take a taxi from Heathrow to Beckingham Palace in Essex. While driving them back, the taxi-driver, who has recognised his passengers, engages them in polite conversation (which is a struggle, as he is an Spurs fan). “So, Mr Beckham, did you enjoy your week-end in America?” “Oh, yeah, it was great.” “What did you do when you were there?” asked the taxi driver. “Well, we saw the sights, the Statue of Liberty, did some shopping on 5th Avenue, and had a meal in a wonderful restaurant.” “Oh, yeah?” said the taxi driver, ”What was it called?” “Oh, er…….” and he paused in deep thought. “What’s the name of that London Railway Station?” “Paddington”, replied the driver. “No, no, what’s another one?” “Waterloo”, said the driver. “No, no, what’s another one?” “Victoria”, responded the driver. “THAT’S IT! Victoria, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to?”
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2) David and his jig-saw
It was a typical late Saturday afternoon at Old Trafford. Manchester United had just inflicted a decisive 1 – 0 defeat on Derby County, and the players trooped off the field into the dressing room. Before he reached the showers, Alex Ferguson collared David Beckham and ushered him into his office. “We may have won today, but you weren’t your usual self, were you?” asserted Sir Alex. “What do you mean boss?” queried Mr. Posh. “Well, your passing was at its usual high standard, you ran rings around their left-back, and your free-kicks were their usual pin-point accurate, but your mind appeared to be elsewhere. Are there any problems here? Salary not high enough?” “No, no,” said David. “Everything here is fine”. “Any problems at home? Brooklyn OK, Posh’s pregnancy progressing alright?” “No, everything at home’s fine, but I do have one little thing that is bothering me.” “What’s that?” asked Sir Alex. “Well, I’m doing a jigsaw at home. It’s brilliant. It’s a big beautiful tiger, but I can’t get going with it, and it’s driving me mad.” “OK” said Alex, “bring it here on Monday, and I’ll help you.” So, on Monday, David comes in with the jigsaw still in its box, and he presents it to Sir Alex. “David………it’s a packet of Frosties.”
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because......
1) Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint that was promptly chewed and licked.
2) We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
3) When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
4) As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the front passenger seat was a treat.
5) We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle – it tasted the same.
6) We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
7) We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.
8) We would spend hours building go-carts out of scrap and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
9) After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
10) We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
11) We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes - no video games at all; no 99 channels on the TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went outside and found them.
12) We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
13) We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
14) We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
15) We walked to friend's homes.
16) We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
17) We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
18) Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, allegedly for our own good.
(If you aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us).
These are the results of the Darwin Awards for 2003. For the newbies amongst us, the Darwin Awards are given to those people who improve the mentality of the Human Race by killing themselves in a manner dictated by their stupidity. They also haven’t participated in the production of any offspring, so their stupidity has not been passed down in their DNA. The 2003 winner is:
When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...
And now, the honourable mentions:
1. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
2. A man who shovelled snow for over an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
3. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
4. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
5. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K (a bank?), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cashdrawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from he clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
6. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F#CK UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a F#ck-up!"
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for an ID parade. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near some spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and put his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Although not from last year, the best Darwin’s I know are:-
A. A 9-year boy tried to steal a can of coke from a coke machine outside a K-Mart supermarket by shoving his hand into and up the dispensing hole. The entire machine fell on him and killed him. What was amazing was that the boy’s parents took K-Mart AND the Coca-Cola company to court for damages – AND THE PARENTS WON!
B. I don’t remember where this happened, but an inventor tried a new method of transport across the English Channel by strapping a small rocket to his back. He set it off and fired himself into the adjoining cliff.
C. A resident of Los Angeles wanted to know what was in his next-door neighbour’s garden, but couldn’t, due to the high dividing wall. So he purchased 4 weather balloons and tied them to a deck chair. Instead of rising to an altitude of 15 feet, which was his intention, he sailed up to about 15,000 feet, getting in the way of aircraft coming into Los Angeles International Airport. He died of hypothermia or a lack of oxygen in the rarefied atmosphere.
Have a good weekend. See you Monday NH
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
