On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District. Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward; "No, no, this is a 1987 vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered." The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!" Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's very impressive. Can you tell me what's in my glass?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like p#ss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out. "That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Errr, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
A ten-year-old public school boy was finding fifth grade maths to be the challenge of his life. His mom and dad did everything and anything to help their son... private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked. Finally, giving up, they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to await another destiny. At the end of the first day of school the boy walked into home with a stern expression on his face, and walked right past the parents and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly clearing his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. The parents were not sure if they should comment on the boys extra efforts for fear of him losing this new found fervour, so they ignored it. This pattern continued for a few months. One day the first quarter report card came out. The boy dropped the unopened envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATHEMATICS. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged his shoulders. "No" he said. "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school." "How so?", asked his mom. "When I walked into the lobby of the school, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew those b#stards meant business!"
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen, love," he replied, "it's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear, while he was trying to sleep, was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the town hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor. "Sh#t!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times she was screaming for more. After the eighth time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it". After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's OK, she's not here!"
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this manoeuvre, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
