A man is having problems with his penis, which had certainly seen better days. He consulted a doctor who, after a couple of tests, said, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out and you’ve probably only got 30 erections left in your penis." The man walked home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asked him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He told her what the doctor told him. She said, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replied, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home, and your name isn't on it."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doctor, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy b#stard." "Okay," said the man. "Now what’s the medical term for that? I have to tell my wife something."
The medics rushed Solly Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and most of the morning and finally transfer him to the CCU, where therapy continues. After a couple of days, Solly's physician comes into his room and says, "Solly, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Solly goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Solly. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you." Solly was dejected and somewhat frustrated, so next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Solly, not a problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad”, and he wrote: 'Mr. Soloman Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz, M.D.' “Now,” continued the doctor, “I'll just address this. By the way, Solly, what's your wife's first name?" "Er....... could you just write 'To Whom It May Concern?’"
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "OK, I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Maserati or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision will be yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
Mick Hucknall was arrested last night for having sex with an underage rabbit. Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention!
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurant owner, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush, Senior, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck on this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh#t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh#t, now we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
